X-Files

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Baby, It's You

Zeus Genetics, Germantown, Maryland: When Your Baby Absolutely, Positively Has to Have Something Horribly Wrong With It. In the Dead Alien Babies in Jars room (that's the name of this punk band I'm starting, by the way), Dr Lev, the worst OB/GYN in the universe, is fiddling with something off-camera. The door slams open to reveal "new man" Billy Miles. In this case, it seems that "new" means both "evil" and "crazy." Lev spits at Billy to get the hell out of his Dead Alien Babies in Jars room. Billy refuses. The credits, by the way? Still scrolling past. Sit back and pour yourself some Cheetos, because I have a feeling this is going to be one long-ass recap. The credits tell me that this episode is directed by Kim Manners, which makes me happy, because she's really good. Billy strolls around the lab a bit. "I've come to verify that it's true," he says robotically. "That your work has been fruitful. I see that it has, by the abomination in your hands." The camera pans down to reveal a mewling alien baby in Lev's arms. Lev, again, tells Billy to get out. "Your work here is done," Billy announces. And then he decapitates Lev, using only his Amazing Decapitating Karate-Chopping Arm Action. Billy Miles throws gas all over Lev and the lab and torches the joint.

La Maison de Doggett, where the manly man is watching NASCAR and cleaning what I at first think is a bong and later realize is his gun. I have a note to myself that reads "insert gun/ penis/ Skinner joke here," and I can't imagine why. There's a knocking sound, and Doggett slowly peels himself off the sofa and ambles over to the door, where Mulder is waiting for him. Okay, Doggett? Gray t-shirt? Nice pecs. "The last person I'd expect to see knocking on my door on a Saturday morning: Agent Mulder," Doggett narrates. Mulder half-smiles and reminds Doggett that he's just plain old Fox Mulder, now that he's out of the Bureau. Doggett purses his lips, like, "oh, what the hell," and invites Mulder in thusly: "You want to come in, Fox? Just watching the race." It gives me the wig when people call Mulder "Fox," by the way. I especially can't stand that genre of fan fiction wherein suddenly it's all "call me Fox" this and "I love you, Dana" that, and did I just admit that I've read some fan fiction? Pretend that never happened. Anyway, Mulder crosses Doggett's threshold and comments that he was doing the same thing, but he was watching a different race. Can I just sidebar for a second and really go out on a limb here? I don't think the Doggett/Scully pairing worked out real well. But I think a Mulder/Doggett partnering is kind of interesting. This show doesn't work without a few wisecracks, and neither Scully nor Doggett are the wisecracking type. Which is where Mulder comes in. Not that I want to get rid of Scully, because, you know, I love her, so put away your hate mail. I'm just sayin'. It's all better with a little cracking wise. What would be best, I think, would be if Scully and Doggett and Mulder all joined forces in some kind of Three's Company-type of supernatural dramedy hour. Toss in the AlienMiracleBaby and Moronica and Skinner, as Doggett's Mr. Furley-esque boss/ lover/ landlord, and just watch the hijinks ensue! Ahem. Anyhoo, the camera focuses on Doggett's and Mulder's respective, jean-clad behinds for a second as Mulder changes the channel: the Zeus Genetics fire is on the news. The newscaster announces that the blaze was accelerated "because of the white-hot intensity of the fire" and I'm totally taking that as a shout-out, because I talk about how I hate things (the new credits, Moronica, petulant actions figures) with the white-hot intensity of a thousand burning suns all the time. The boys stand in Doggett's living room and silently watch the TV. The newscaster finishes up his story by explaining that authorities are convinced that the fire was a result of arson. "Zeus Genetics. Ring a bell?" Mulder asks. "Yeah, that's where Scully believed they were doing tests on women, putting alien babies in them, or something? It was never completely explained," Doggett says. No, of course it wasn't. Mulder, naturally, thinks that the fire points to a cover-up. "What do you want from me?" Doggett asks. Mulder smirks. "How about a ride?" he asks. I'd like to go on a ride with the two of them, if you know what I mean, and I think you do, and I also can't believe I just wrote that.

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