Episode Report Card
Jessica: A | 3 USERS: A+
Kids Today! I Blame the Rap Music.

Slob One: Here's the roll from the Simmons murder.
Slob Two: Thanks. Who's it...oh, man.
Slob One: Slides?
Slob Two: I hate that guy in the basement.

Scully gets to go all exposity, telling Mulder that Teena was away from her father for less than ten minutes, that she remembers nothing, and that there was no trace evidence on the body. Mulder hits the light and puts up a slide of the puncture wounds on Mr. Simmons's neck. Then he starts spinning some wack theory about this being somehow related to a series of cattle mutilations in the midwest. Scully looks around for a magazine, or a newspaper, or a leaflet, or a piece of scratch paper to read while her partner blathers and blathers and blathers about cows. Apparently, cow mutilations also feature "substantial blood loss with no blood at the scene." Scully wearily shakes her head. "How can that be?" she wonders. "Exsanguination," Mulder says. Apparently, if you stick a needle into the jugular of a living creature, the heart will act as a pump and just pump out all the blood in the body. That is good to know. Mulder comments that this is the first time he's ever seen this happen to a human rather than a cow. Agent Mulder? I have a question. Okay, I know you love the cow-mutilation theory, but if I were investigating this case, I would suspect vampires. Because, you know, the puncture wounds on the neck? Like fang marks? And with the blood being gone and all? Doesn't that...okay, okay. Cows. Are you totally sure? Because vampires...all right. All right. You're so pretty. Kiss me. Scully wonders why there was no sign of a struggle at the crime scene. How, she asks, could a man allow himself to be drained dry without the slightest bit of a fuss? Mulder explains that the ME also found traces of digitalis in the victim's blood. Digitalis, he lectures, comes from a South American plant and acts as a paralytic in the blood. Digitalis is also known as foxglove. I read that somewhere. And it's important later. Scully looks through the case file and notices that this whole cow-mutilation thing is actually a UFO-related phenomenon. ["Like, I'm shocked." -- Wing Chun] Scully rolls her eyes. ["Like, I'm shocked." -- Wing Chun] Mulder hypothesizes that because UFO-related incidents also often involve time loss, it may explain why Teena doesn't remember anything that happened. Scully idly wonders why the aliens even care about the inside of cows. Mulder's totally hitting his stride. She hasn't learned not to encourage him yet. Mulder likens cow mutilation to the human practice of dissection. In other words, Earth is just one big Biology class for the rest of the universe. Mulder steps up and looks more closely at the slide of Simmons's bitten-up neck. "[The aliens] seemed to have stepped up their interest," he comments. Scully bites her lip and wonders what she ought to have for lunch, after her difficult morning. "Screw that bee-pollen shit," she thinks, "I'm having a cheeseburger. And fries. And a milkshake. And maybe a cigarette."

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