X-Files

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Kids Today! I Blame the Rap Music.

Deep Throat keeps expositing in the background as Mulder drives Scully somewhere. "A group of genetically controlled children were raised and monitored on a compound in Litchfield," he says. "The boys were called Adam and the girls were called Jennifer." Just kidding. The girls, of course, were called Eve. Deep Throat tells Mulder that there's a woman he and Scully should go see. He'll make sure they get in, he says confidently.

That woman, apparently, resides at the Whiting Institute for the Criminally Insane, Cell Block Two. "Agents Mulder and Scully to see Eve Six," Mulder tells the guard. They have to go through all this folderol to get into the building, including collecting what the guard calls "panic buttons." Neither one of them seems taken aback by the dark, weeping walls of the asylum, or the acres of barbed wire, or the screams of the committed. I would be crying. And then Mulder would have to hold me. Or smack me. Ooh, or both. Damn, there I go again. I'm so sorry; that's the spring fever talking. Or summer fever. Whatever.

Mulder and Scully walk through the Snake-Pit-esque asylum, down the stairs and into the bowels of the building to Eve Six's cell. The guard informs them that they can't turn on the lights in the cell, because Eve will start screaming and freaking out. "No one's really ever gotten a good look at her," the guard chirps. Mulder and Scully make apprehensive faces and enter the dark room. They swing their flashlights around, eventually finding her perched on the bed, shackled as well as totally, utterly nuts. Eve Six looks exactly like Dr Kendrick, except she's all twitchy and her teeth look horrible. Also, she's incredibly creepy. "Unlock the chains and we'll talk," she twitters. "They're probably there for a good reason," Mulder says. "It's a bad reason," Eve Six corrects him. "I paid too much attention to a guard. Bit into his eyeball." She makes a chattering motion with her yellow teeth, vaguely reminiscent of Hannibal Lecter's fava-beans-and- a-nice-Chianti routine. Scully looks slightly freaked. "I meant it as a sign of affection," Eve Six says, before bursting into crazy crazy-person laughter. She wonders whether they've come to give her an IQ test. "We're very bright, we Eves. It runs in the family," she says. Mulder asks where the Adams and the other Eves are. "We're prone to suicide," Eve Six says. "All that's left is me. And Eve Seven. She escaped early on. And Eve Eight. She escaped ten years later." Scully asks Eve Six whether she's Sally Kendrick. "That was not my name," Eve Six says. "But she is me and I am her and we are all together," she sing-songs. Damn, she's creepy. I'm a little bit scared. Cue more crazy talk about how "they" made her, and she suffers and they test her and they poke her and they torture her, to see what went wrong. Sally knew what went wrong, Eve Six tells the agents. See, it turns out the Adams and the Eves have extra chromosomes, which make them really smart and really strong, and really, really, really crazy. Eve Six directs them to the wall of her cell. "My family album," she says. It's a photograph of several little girls on a swing set, smiling into the camera. They all look exactly like Teena and Cindy. "We were close. We were very close," Eve Six twitters. "Sally Kendrick was using the clinic to carry on the Litchfield experiment," Mulder breathes. "She was cloning herself."

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X-Files

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