X-Files

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The Kiss

Dear Kim Manners,
I'm sorry I called you a woman in last week's recap. Rest assured, I am now well aware that you are a manly, manly, man's man. I will never doubt the existence of your penis again. Please stop calling me.

Dear David Duchovny,
I know I called you an ass. And a bastard (albeit a magnificent one). And some other choice words. But that was a long time ago. I think I've more than made up for it, especially, you know, the other night. Please, don't leave me. Have you seen the chuckleheads they're sticking me with next season? I'll do anything.

Dear Robert Patrick,
I wasn't talking about you. How many times do I have to tell you that you've grown on me before you believe me? Maybe you ought to see someone about this low self-esteem thing. Seriously.

Dear Action Figures,
I don't know what else you expect from me. For the umpteenth time, I had no idea you were trapped between the bookcase and the desk. Is there any way we can put this behind us and move on? By the way, I really didn't appreciate that little stunt you played last night. Do you know how hard it is to get ink out of cashmere? Shape up, or you're going on eBay. I mean it.

Dear Chris Carter,
Bring it.

More parental freaking discretion is advised. Is it weird that I'm nervous about this episode? Because I am nervous. And I don't know why.

Previously on The X-Files: Billy Miles went on a rampage, taking off people's heads and throwing Mulder through a glass wall; Krycek told everyone that Billy Miles was an "alien replicant" and "virtually unstoppable"; Billy Miles bent over and showed off a weird series of bumps on his neck; Doggett and Noel stood in the rain in the park and Noel admitted that "this is a whole other level"; Mulder told Scully that she's the one in danger; Krycek exposited that "they" want Scully's baby because it's "a miracle"; people on the forums wanted to have sex with Krycek because he's always sweaty; Mulder got Doggett to ask Moronica to drive Scully out of town and into hiding; Mulder saved Skinner's life by pushing Billy Miles into a garbage truck; Krycek told the gang that the world is full of alien replicants just like Billy Miles; Agent Crane turned out to be one of them; I fought bitterly and unceasingly with the action figures.

District Pathology Lab, Washington DC, 4:05 AM. See, I knew there was someone in Washington, other than Scully, who could perform an autopsy, and it's this guy. The Only Other Person in Washington, DC Capable of Performing an Autopsy wanders into the lab, yawning. A younger guy in scrubs wheels a metal gurney into the lab. There's an oblong metal box on top of the gurney. "Here's the body," Scrubs chirps. He's awfully cheerful for 4:05 in the morning. I would have been like, "Heresthebody; I'mgoingbacktobednow." Scrubs and TOOPIWDGCOPAA banter about the fact that the body is pretty much hamburger from being mashed in a garbage truck. In other words, that ground round? Billy Miles. Scrubs tells TOOPIWDGCOPAA that "they" want him to "establish fact of death." TOOPIWDCOPAA yawns that he's sure the hamburger is dead. He tells Scrubs to fill out the paperwork and fax it to him in the morning, and everyone will be happy. As he turns to go, TOOPIWDGCOPAA notices what he thinks is a piece of garbage in amongst the innards. Insert sick-making shot of Billy Miles's insides. TOOPIWDGCOPAA removes a metal object from the box. "It looks kinda like a vertebra," Scrubs says. "Only metallic." TOOPIWDGCOPAA and Scrubs look at the metal object for a moment, before TOOPIWDGCOPAA places it on the gurney and tells Scrubs to "make a note of it on the report." He leaves. See? This is why Scully always has to do her own damn autopsies. Everyone else does such a half-assed job of it. She'd be on the phone to Mulder about a metal vertebra in a box of guts in a hot second. Anyway, Scrubs puts lid back on the box Billy Miles is sleeping in, turns out the lights in the lab, and walks off, closing the door behind him. Shouldn't he put the guts back in the fridge? Because, damn, that's going to smell later. You know, theoretically. In the darkness of the lab, the metal vertebra sits neatly on the gurney for a moment, and then begins to spin. When it stops spinning, there are two more vertebra attached. It begins to spin again. And it multiplies again. And again. And again. Billy Miles regenerates himself right into the credits.

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X-Files

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