Episode Report Card
Jessica: B+ | Grade It Now!
The Kiss

NotAlienMiracleBaby(OrIsIt?) Birthing Center. Scully's got all her candles lit, and is giving herself a sort of half-assed sponge bath. Not like that, pervs -- she's fully clothed. Moronica pours more water into the basin. Scully thanks her. The Violins of Girly Bonding swell. "I have to say, with everything I know you must be feeling, you look amazingly beautiful, Dana," Moronica nervously offers. Is she hitting on her? Because that's fine, but now is really not the time, Moronica. ["It seemed a bit of a prelude to me, too. And, yeah. Inappropriate." -- Wing Chun] Scully looks down like, I can't believe you're hitting on me right now, and, also, I'm straight, and sighs. "How do you feel?" she asks. "Any vibrations, Agent Reyes?" Notice how Scully never calls Agent Reyes "Monica," but Moronica keeps calling her "Dana"? It's because Moronica is touchy-feely and Scully is a professional. Or because she's uptight. Whatever. Moronica looks around and sighs. "I don't know," she replies. "I don't know if I'm just being paranoid, but something feels off." Scully looks at her like, that's fucking fantastic. "We need some more water," Moronica chirps, and leaves. Scully just looks off into the distance wearily.

Outside, Moronica gets water from an old cistern pump. She stares at the light in the sky and looks thoughtful. Someone creeps up behind her, grabs her by the neck, and throws her, hard, against a wall. It's Billy Miles. Moronica sprawls against the wall as Billy Miles approaches, menacingly. She grasps a pitchfork, conveniently within reach, and brandishes it in his face. They're having a staring contest when Law Lady comes around the corner and fills Billy Miles with bullets.

Moronica and Law Lady drag Billy Miles back to the Inn, where Scully is waiting for them. She immediately sees who the victim is, and blanches. "Dana, it's okay, he's dead," Moronica says. "No, it's not okay," Scully says. "What do you mean?" Moronica looks at her pleadingly. "What I said. Go inside," Moronica says quietly. "They said he couldn't be stopped," Scully breathes. "Dana," Moronica begins. "Stop calling me 'DANA'!" the Scully action figure screams at the television, and then looks over at me and allows herself a small smile. The two of them think they're so tough, but I think the eBay threat has scared the action figures into considering commuting my sentence. Moronica tells Scully that Billy Miles has no vitals. As the two agents bicker, Moronica notices the bumps on the back of Billy Miles' neck. "I do have to report this thing," Law Lady tells a stricken-looking Scully. "No, you can't do that," Scully breathes. Law Lady says she doesn't have a choice. Scully looks at them wide-eyed and announces that she just had a contraction.

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