MONDO EXTRAS

Dark dank bar. Mulder's completely into the sauce. He asks the bartender, who's played by Glenne Headly, for another shot of tequila. Martin Landau stares at Mulder from across the bar. Glenne Headly wonders whether Mulder's had a tough day at work (she uses the word "poopy," which I loathe and refuse to indulge). Instead of just smiling and asking her to hit him again, Mulder recaps his entire character arc on The X-Files to date. "I'm the key figure in an on-going government charade," he tells her, "the plot to conceal the truth about the existence of extra-terrestrials. It's a global conspiracy, actually, with key players at the highest levels of power, that reaches down into the lives of every man, woman and child on this planet." He chuckles ruefully. "So, of course," he continues, "no one believes me. I'm an annoyance to my superiors, and a joke to my peers. They call me Spooky. Spooky Mulder, whose sister was abducted by aliens when he was just a kid and who now chases after little green men with a badge and who screams to the heavens or anyone else who will listen that the fix is in, that the sky is falling and when it hits, it's going to be the shit storm of all time." Got all that? Glenne Headly looks at him cock-eyed and cuts him off. "Also," he says as she turns her back to put away the twenty-six shot glasses he's lined up, "I've got this really hot partner, and I can't decide whether I'm in love with her. And even if I'm not, would it be a giant mistake for me to have sex with her? She's really hot. And I haven't gotten any in years. And I'm not just saying that she's hot because I'm drunk and horny. She's actually really hot. And she's way smarter than I am. I think I love her. Well, maybe I don't. Actually, I probably do. I don't know." Not really. Really, Mulder just looks miserable and closes out his tab. The Doors play in the background as he stumbles toward the men's room, which is out of order. Just a sidebar to mention that David Duchovny does a great job of walking like someone who's enormously wasted, but trying really hard to walk in a straight line. He sways over to the women's room, but finds it occupied.