X-Files

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The One Where We Recap The Movie
"Arlington, please," Mulder tells the cabbie. Kurtzweil stands on the sidewalk and watches him drive off. Inside the cab, Mulder looks thoughtful and then tells the driver to take him to Georgetown. Bedroom of Scully, where our heroine is tossing and turning. There's a knock on the door. Scully sleepily gets out of bed and goes to answer it, and you can all just imagine my shock when I noticed that Scully's white jammies and light blue robe are exactly the same jammies she's wearing in the final scene of "Existence." Way to go, continuity. Also, how lucky was it that her old jammies were already all Virgin Mary-colored? It's Mulder at the door, of course. Why don't hot smart-asses knock on my door at three in the morning? I swear, the more I recap this show, the more boring my own life becomes. "I woke you. Did I wake you?" Mulder stammers. Scully sighs and lets him in. "No," she eyebrows. "Why not?" Mulder asks. "It's three in the morning!" Scully wonders whether Mulder's drunk. He explains that he was, about twenty minutes ago, but he's not now. "Was that before or after you decided to come here?" she asks. "What exactly are you implying?" Mulder asks, rather sharply. Duh, obviously she wants to know if you've come over for some hot, mindless, drunken sex. Or maybe some please-don't- quit-the- FBI-and- leave-me- all-alone, you're-all- I-have-left- in-the-world- and-I-love-you drunken sex. Scully blinks and looks away. Mulder tells her to get dressed. That is the opposite of what she wants to hear. She tells him to go home. Mulder tells her to get dressed. She stares at him. "I'll explain on the way," he says. See? That there is an adventure! Tall, wise-cracking, good-looking geniuses, coming to my door at three in the morning, to whisk me off for an adventure! Is that too much to ask? ["You need to start acting more like Lara Croft, dude." -- Wing Chun] Black helicopters fly through the night over North Texas, and you know who I blame for all of this whole business? The governor of Texas in 1998: George W. Bush. Yes. George W. Bush is responsible for this entire d├ębacle. Anyway, the place where the kid fell through the hole is now some kind of mysterious scientific compound, with HazMat tents and collapsible tubing, like the end of E.T. when E.T. is in the oxygen tent. Sniff. I always cry at that part. And then I get an inexplicable urge for some Reese's Pieces. Anyway, the extremely expensive helicopters hover over the E.T. Compound for, like, twenty minutes before finally touching down. A man alights from one of them, walks toward the camera, puts a cigarette in his mouth, and lights it, all in three-quarter profile. (The crowd in the theatre where I saw this movie erupted into cheers at this point, and the stupid girl behind me who came to the movie with her boyfriend and who apparently had never seen the show ever before, ever, and who kept asking her boyfriend stupid questions, leaned over and asked him who the guy with the cigarette was. And he murmured something about telling her later and then she started to ask all these other questions about all kinds of plot points, including what any of this had to do with aliens, and I hate, hate, hate people talking during the movies at all and I just finally cracked and I turned around and said, "Look, I paid to listen to the movie, not to you, so why don't you just shut up." And she looked at me all shocked and pissed and everyone around us promptly fell in love with me for five whole minutes. Yay.) Anyway, CSM looks at the compound thoughtfully for a moment and takes a drag on the cig.

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X-Files

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