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Jessica: B- | Grade It Now!
The One Where We Recap The Movie
So Mark Snow totally kicks out the jams, thanks to all the extra money Chris Carter poured in his lap, now they're on the big screen. He's mixed the usual theme song with what sounds like the THX fanfare. It's funky as hell. You can really dance to it. Not really. By the way, did you know that Mark Snow has over 150 credits on the IMDb, including the theme song to Starsky and Hutch? Starsky and freaking Hutch, people. I think I'm in love with him now. Be that as it may, our old friend the black oil swirls all over the credits as the theme song recedes into the distance and Mark Snow cues up the faint dinging of little wind chimes and we fade to the white of...somewhere. Antarctica? Alaska? Somewhere snowy, anyway. In the distance, two unidentifiable people hustle through the snow toward the camera. The people run. The wind howls. They run. It howls. This goes on for, like, thirty-five minutes before we learn that this is, in fact, North Texas. 35,000 BC. The running cave people scamper past another track in the snow -- the track of something with only three toes. Grok and MaGrok enter a cave so dark that I can barely see what's happening. The deeper recesses of the cave glow with a kind of blue light that isn't actually illuminating anything. Eventually, Grok makes fire and the cavemen light their torches and sort of whoosh them around the inside of the cave. MaGrok looks sort of like Lenny Krayzelburg, American Swimming Sweetheart. If Lenny Krayzelburg were a cave man. The two of them walk through the cave, their torches reflecting off the black oil on the floor. Walking. Walking. This is so the big-screen version of the teaser before the credits, except for the part where it's taking six times as long. If this were an hour-long episode, Grok and MaGrok would be lunch meat and I'd be complaining about the stupid new credits right now. There are, by the way, some real pacing problems with this movie, which I didn't notice on first viewing -- mostly because, at that point, Chris Carter still held my soul. And now he fucking owns it. But that's another story, isn't it? Anyhoo. Grok and MaGrok trek further into the cave. They're hunting something; we get it. My Mulder action figure looks up from where he's sucking on one of the Scully action figure's toes. "Is this movie about cavemen?" he asks. Grok and MaGrok are still climbing through the cave. Eventually -- after about twenty more minutes of flinging his torch around and grunting -- Grok discovers another caveman, this one frozen in a big old block of ice. Grok stares at Iceman, slack-jawed (although that might just be the way he looks naturally, since he is, you know, a caveman), until a big scary black oily creature with claws, which looks it was taken directly from the prop locker from Aliens and onto the X-Files set, jumps him. They tussle. I have no idea what's happening because this scene is so dark, but there's screaming and eviscerating and then MaGrok comes from behind and stabs the alien with a stake, like this is MaGrok, the Vampire Slayer or something, and if Buffy is actually dead, you know, that actually might not be such a bad way to take the show to UPN, people. MaGrok looks around for a moment; Grok is dead, but the body of the alien has disappeared. MaGrok looks around the cave, for, like, a hundred more minutes. Seriously, I think this entire scene could have been cut without affecting the story line of the movie, especially since the whole "aliens have been here since the beginning of time" thing is talked about ad nauseam later, but whatever. Deeper in the cave, MaGrok finds yet another alien -- one that looks like the regular green slanty-eyed aliens we're used to and, frankly, I don't know whether the other alien also looked like this and I couldn't tell because it was dark, or if there are two kinds of alien or...for the fifth time in the first ten minutes of this movie, whatever. It's not like anything that happens in this movie turns out to affect the plot of the television show. Green Alien and MaGrok fight, and MaGrok manages to stake Green Alien, too. Dude, he is the Alien Slayer. Death is his gift. Black oil begins to spill out of the Green Alien and move across the floor. It creeps all the way up MaGrok's chest. In terror, he looks down at the oil and begins to moan.

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