X-Files

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The One Where We Recap The Movie
This is the part where, if this was an episode of the television show, the credits would roll and I would complain about how much they suck. I love that part! Cut to downtown Los Angeles...er, "Dallas." One week later. The helicopter budget for this movie must have been astronomical, because yet another chopper whooshes around the Dallas Federal Building, finally landing on the helipad. A bald guy in an FBI windbreaker hops out of the chopper, and is met by a bunch of other guys in FBI windbreakers. I want one of those FBI windbreakers. Baldy talks to a Fed who looks vaguely like Noel Rrrrrrroroooooooaarrr, who tells him that they've evacuated the entire building, and searched it top to bottom, but they haven't found a trace of a bomb. Michaud -- for that is Baldy's name -- tells Noel NotRrrrrrrroooooooorrrrar to send the dogs through again. He walks to the edge of the roof and gazes off at the building across the street. Someone is wandering around that rooftop, as well. That person is a very hot-looking Scully -- heat hot, although, of course, Gillian Anderson is beautiful. And this is the part where 1013 gives the people in the audience who've never watched The X-Files and just got dragged to the movie by their girlfriend or father or roommate the Cliffs Notes version of the Mulder/Scully relationship. Scully tip-taps down a staircase onto the roof of the building, cell phone in hand. "Mulder, it's me," she says. (The audience in the theatre I saw this in cheered at this line. Remember when we weren't all bitter? Yeah, good times.) ["Everyone in the theatre where I saw it burst into applause at this point, too, much as they had a few months earlier, at the Grease re-release, the first time John Travolta appears on-screen." -- Wing Chun] Scully tells Mulder that she "hasn't found anything" and she's hot and thirsty and she's wondering what she's doing up there. "You're looking for a bomb," Mulder says on the other line. Oh, yeah, because this is when the X-Files were closed! I'm so confused about the timeline, now. Was this before or after all the files got burned up? I don't remember. Anyway, Scully knows that, but she doesn't know why they're looking in this particular building when the threat was called into the building across the street. Mulder thinks that the FBI has got that building covered. Then Scully spouts a whole bunch of scientific stuff, saying the word "rational" three times, quoting several varying statistics, and using the words "accordance" and "data" and "behavioral model." Because she's the science-y one. Get it? Mulder says nothing. "Mulder? Mulder?" Scully asks, looking exasperated. "Boo," Mulder says, coming out the door behind her. She jumps. Then Mulder rattles off a bunch of hooey about playing a hunch and a world of infinite possibilities and random acts and yada nutsy yada. He eats a sunflower seed. Because he's the one with the wacky theories. And an oral fixation. I have a bit of an oral fixation, myself, so I can relate. And I still don't have a boyfriend. I know. It's a mystery. Mulder smiles at Scully. "What are we doing up here, Scully? It's hotter than hell." Scully makes a saintly amused yet exasperated face. The agents walk around the roof some more while Scully tells Mulder, basically, that she's well aware that he's bored out of his skull with this whole non-paranormal, everyday FBI stuff, but now they're no longer assigned to the X-Files, he needs to try to follow FBI rules, procedure, and protocol. Because, see, she's the practical, uptight one. "Maybe we should call in a bomb threat to Houston. I hear it's free beer night at the Astrodome," Mulder snarks. Because he's the wisecracking one. Scully gives him a dirty look. She goes to open the door leading back inside the building, but finds it locked. "So much for anticipating the unforeseen," she snarks. Mulder tries the door himself, and it opens easily. Scully smiles crookedly. "I had you, big time," she says. "You had nothing," he tells her, grinning. Get it? She's science-y. He's wacky! He's sarcastic. She's indulgent! He's funny. She's straight-laced -- but not completely. They like each other, but no one quite knows to what extent. Everyone up to speed?

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X-Files

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