Episode Report CardJessica: B- | Grade It Now!
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Where were we? Ah, yes. This movie is all over the place, dude. Now we're in Somerset, England. I've long dreamed of Somerset! Sorry, wrong movie. But wouldn't you sort of love to see the Merchant Ivory take on an alien invasion? David Duchovny would probably manage to get cast as a wisecracking but sensitive member of Scotland Yard who's carrying on an ambiguous relationship with the clever redheaded daughter of the local embalmer. Then he'd give several interviews, saying that he knows he should be avoiding movies about aliens, but he just couldn't resist working with Merchant and Ivory. Anyway. English estate, the grounds of which are overrun by several darling moppets playing a vigorous game of tag. Well-Manicured Man sits on the terrace and watches them. After a moment, the butler comes out of the house and tells him that he has a call. WMM takes the call in his study. CSM tells him that "the members are assembling" in London to discuss some new and mysterious developments. Outside, a moppet screams. London. 6:47 PM. WMM arrives for the big Consortium meeting. He tells the assembled that he's late because his grandson broke his leg. All the older white men just stare at him. Hello, boys! It's been too long! Hey, look, it's Section Chief Blevins! I caught the episode where he gets killed just the other day. Anyway, the meeting is being run by the never-before- and never-after-seen Strughold, who's played by Armin Mueller-Stahl. Strughold announces that they've been forced to "reconsider their role in the colonization" because of...something I can't understand due to his thick and overly dramatic accent. "The virus has mutated," Blevins marble-mouths in WMM's direction. "Into a new extra-terrestrial biological entity," Strughold clarifies. Yes, because that's what this show needs, even at this point: more freaking aliens! WMM makes a shocked face, as Strughold says something about finding the Consortium's place in the "recoloniiiizzzzzaxzzzzion." WMM stares at him. "This isn't recolonization," he spits. "This is spontaneous repopulation. If it's true, they've been using us all along! We've been laboring under a lie." Gee, do you think? Who would have imagined that an evil race of non-humans might be less than 100% trustworthy? Apparently, the Consortium is thinking about telling the aliens what they know, which I find confusing, since not only does that one crazy alien in the hole seem very unlikely to want to sit down with a bunch of suits and broker a new peace for our time, I also doubt that they speak of the English. WMM says something about us humans being "beggars to our own demise," which is poetic, but I have no idea what he's talking about. It's not like this story arc ever really got picked up anyway, so I'm not really worried about understanding the intricacies of the plot anymore. Strughold lisps that they're "goink to pvay for more timek to continue vorking" on their vaccine. But if the virus is mutating, then how will the vaccine...never mind. Anyway, the Consortium has other things -- other than that whole "aliens are using us humans as living incubators" problem -- to worry about, says CSM: Namely, that Kurtzweil's gotten Mulder turned on to the case. Kurztweil "must be removed," CSM opines calmly. "As must Agent Mulder," Strughold says. "Kill Mulder," WMM points out, "and we turn one man's quest into a crusade." Everyone stares at each other. If they're not going to whack Mulder, Strughold says, they must take away the thing he holds must valuable. "That without which he cannot live without," Strughold says, in the most alarming display of bad grammar I've ever heard in conjunction with this show. It ought to be, of course, "that without which he cannot live." Strughold means, of course, Mulder's porn collection.