Paul Mercutio is now doing some French girl in the rain in a barn. He's wearing a Zorro costume. In case you're interested. If the fact that Mulder has seen Plan Nine from Outer Space forty-two times makes Scully sad, the fact that the cute guy from Strictly Ballroom is now balling bad actresses to pay the rent makes me sad. Paul, sweetie, fire your agent!
Hollywood; FOX's backlot. For some reason, Mulder and Scully are attired in their usual work clothes, rather than some kicky Madras vacation wear. ["Dude, how funny would that have been? I'd pay good money to see David Duchovny in a fanny pack." -- Wing Chun]
Inside the soundstage, the two of them exchange a gleeful glance at the sight of all the hustle and bustle of the super-exciting sit-around-and-wait filmmaking business. Federman introduces them to Shandling and Leoni. "Cute" business with Mulder and Leoni checking one another out surreptitiously. I yawn hugely. After about six years of my life are wasted with this they're-married-in-real-life-get-it? hooha, Leoni takes Scully off so that Scully can teach her how to run around in huge high heels without taking a digger. Shandling and Duchovny work through a labored bit that goes on forever and finally reveals that Mulder "dresses left." Dude. That schtick was much funnier the first time I saw it, on The Larry Sanders show.
More unfunny schtick on the set, as a zombie "bites" Téa Leoni's shoulder and freaks out because her faux shoulder is make of turkey and not Tofurkey, and storms off the set in a huff. This episode, which up to this point was both interesting and rather amusing, is totally careening down the hill to Crapsville with all this unfunny set shenanigans rigamarole. Mulder and Scully stand around with their mouths open for like, twenty minutes. I am embarrassed for everyone involved.
The Beverly Something Hotel. Scully, hair in an updo, reclines in her bubble bath, sipping a glass of wine, and idly dialing the phone. No, I didn't switch back to the porn (where I'm not totally sure, but I think I just saw Robert Patrick in the role of a policeman). She calls Mulder, who, we see with the benefit of a kitschy split screen, is also in a bubble bath. I giggle. They pretend to one another that they are not in the bathtub. Oh, just have phone sex, you two, and get it over with! They chitchat about zombies for a while; Scully spins some dull psychological theory, but Mulder believes that zombies eat people first, but later they dance, and drink, and have sex. We just never get to see the good parts, because, you know, we humans have to destroy them before they eat us alive during the munchies stage. Just as he's wrapping up this theory, Mulder gets a call on his other line and clicks over. Scully daintily sips her wine. It's Skinner on the other line. We go to the triple split screen, which reveals that Skinner, also, is in a bubble bath, eating grapes. I full-on laugh. Skinner apologizes for "coming down so hard on [Mulder and Scully] during the Hoffman Slash O'Fallon case." Mulder, whose right hand is under the water and moving around rather too much for my delicate sensibilities, tells "Skinman" not to worry about it. Skinner sharply tells Mulder not to call him that. Skinner tells Mulder that he's gotten an associate-producer title on the movie, and that he's currently staying in the same hotel. In fact, he says, he's "right beneath [Scully] (AHEM!)," enjoying a bubble bath. Mulder asks him to hold on a sec, and clicks over to Scully. "Scully," he says, "Skinman is calling me from a bubble bath!" he relays gleefully. "It's still me, Mulder," Skinner deadpans, in the funniest moment of the entire episode. Mulder makes a face, really switches over to his partner, and repeats himself. Scully is impressed. More unfunniness about Téa Leoni having a crush on Mulder. A slightly funnier bit about Shandling also having a crush on Mulder. Cut. CUT!