At the church, Mulder informs O'Fallon that he found some texts in the crypt, which he'd like translated. O'Fallon removes his phat Top Gun aviator-style sunglasses (which he's wearing inside for some bizarre reason) and reads the document aloud. In the text, Jesus embraces Mary Magdalene "not as God and woman, but as man and woman" and tells her to "love the body, for it is all of the soul that our senses can perceive." Who knew the Lord was such a smooth talking playa? I must have been absent that day in Sunday school. Mulder calmly informs O'Fallon that the texts are forgeries, and wonders if he bought them from Micah Hoffman. O'Fallon did, thinking they were legitimate. Mulder admits that Hoffman was a master forger, so that mistake is not surprising. He asks O'Fallon if he knew of anyone out for Hoffman's blood. O'Fallon claims that he does not. Mulder gently wonders why O'Fallon was hiding the texts in the crypt if he thought them to be legitimate Biblical texts. The Cardinal explains that these texts "exploded a bomb in [his] heart," destroying the Jesus he'd loved his entire life. He hid them, he explains, to save the rest of the world's believers from becoming similarly disillusioned. He explains that he hated the documents, but couldn't destroy them, believing them to be real. "Is being made a fool of a crime, Agent Mulder?" he asks. "I'd be doing time if it were," Mulder gently replies.
Mulder, in the car, driving through the rain, rings Scully to ask her to "horn in" on Hoffman's autopsy, because he suspects the victim was dead before the bomb even went off. She begins to tell him about the mysterious properties of the bowl, but he gets a beep on the other line. It's Federman, in a loud Pucci print silk shirt, driving a red convertible. The sun shines brightly on his gelled scalp. I'd make fun of the stereotype of the endless Southern California summer, but it was 75° and sunny yesterday. In January. So I can't complain. Federman's called to pick Mulder's brain about the casting of his film. Mulder would like Richard Gere to play him. As an aside: Richard Gere? Ew. ["I thought that's because when Duchovny started on The X-Files, everyone said how much he and Gere looked alike." -- Wing Chun] Federman laughs derisively, and breaks the news that Mulder is being portrayed by Garry Shandling. Mulder's face falls about a mile. Federman informs Mulder that Téa Leoni has signed on to play "the amalgamation loosely based on Agent Scully." Mulder is unimpressed by Téa Leoni, as is the rest of North America. Federman mentions that the film is called "The Lazarus Bowl," telling Mulder that The Skinman is keeping him in the loop as far as the case is going. He then offers to fly Mulder and Scully out to Los Angeles on the studio's dime so that they can meet Leoni and Shandling. You know, for flavor. Or, excuse me, "flava." Mulder snarkily wonders who's signed on to portray The Skinman. Naturellement, it's Richard Gere. Mulder bangs into a pothole and almost crashes his Sensible Car in a fit of immature pique.