X-Files

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Jessica: B- | Grade It Now!
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Big Primping

A huge, chocolate-covered shout-out to Scoutcfg, who saved my ass by FedExing me the tape of this episode after I started 2001 with a little VCR-related snafu.

Okay, then. We're watching a movie; that is, I think it's supposed to look like we're in a movie theatre, rather than lying on the couch, eating pork rinds, and watching some letterboxed junk on television. Whatever. On screen, Téa "Mrs. Duchovny" Leoni has on a Scully wig and a wicked navy blue Todd Oldman Gucci 1996 pantsuit. Likewise, Garry "Mrs. Duchovny" Shandling's gone all Mulder, sans the Oldman, sadly. They're in a graveyard; Shandling's crouching behind a tombstone, holding his gun, and a cheap-ass looking bowl, and Leoni's in the arms of a zombie. Not like that. Ew. This scene is incredibly long and basically utterly unfunny, with the minor exception of the part where Téa Leoni goes all Charlie's Angels on the undead guy holding her prisoner. Because I'm lazy, and it's boring, I'm not going to go into the details here. Suffice it to say, Shandling, as Mulder, is in a battle with some Zombie Chieftain Guru about "the bowl of Lazarus --" an item that ZCG claims raises the dead and is proof positive of the paranormal. ZCG needs the bowl to keep recruiting his army of the undead. Shmulder wants Sculleoni back. Bliddly bliddy blah, Shmulder misquotes Milton (by saying that he'd "rather serve in heaven than rule in hell," -- which is an approximation of the famous line uttered by Satan in the opening books of Paradise Lost, except that he wanted it the other way around, preferring reigning in hell to serving in heaven, thank you Mr. David "I was thisclose to getting my Ph.D. in Literature from freaking Yale" Duchovny, I went to college, too). The bowl is shot to bits, and Shmulder and Sculleoni escape, roll down a hill into an open grave, and land in a conveniently empty coffin, right on top of each other, and did I mention how relieved I was to see that Sheridan got out of being buried alive on Passions last week? Unclever flashlight-as-penis jokes ensue, as the Non-Hip, Non-Squiggly Font of Location Introduction informs us that this the Darryl Zanuck Theatre on the FOX lot, in Hollywood. The camera pulls back to reveal a full house. Judging from everyone's formal wear, it's the film's premiere. I won't go into the fact that it's quite unusual for a film to premiere on the lot rather than at a larger, more press-friendly theatre in Westwood, nor will I go into the fact that Duchovny, who wrote and directed this episode freaking knows that, because it's nitpicky and I have many nits to pick before I sleep and that's the least of them.

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X-Files

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