X-Files

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Big Primping

Back to the soundstage, the set of which is still dressed for the filming of the very movie Mulder and company were just watching, despite the fact that all movies are released months and months after filming wraps because of this little thing called post-production, and surely the set would be dressed for another movie entirely, because, you know, film studios have a finite amount of space, and certainly don't just leave fully dressed sets abandoned as they are for months after filming is wrapped, but WHATEVER. Mulder is eating popcorn out of the film's version of the bowl of Lazarus, although, obviously, in reality, that would have been returned to the prop department, like, six months ago. Scully, looking very pretty in a black dress, sits down next to him. He grins at her. "They got it all wrong, Scully," he sighs. She tells him that she received a page from the Washington Bureau: Micah Hoffman was killed by Cardinal O'Fallon, who then hanged himself. Murder-slash-suicide. Way to cheer up your partner, Dana. Mulder waxes poetic about the complex and flawed nature of both O'Fallon and Hoffman and expresses remorse that the movie they just saw has reduced them to caricatures. What about the dead people? he wonders. How can they rely on Hollywood to truly represent the subtle nuances of their lives? Scully laughs, reminds him that the movie will probably bomb, and tells him that he's got to stop worrying about the dead. "The dead are everywhere, Scully," Mulder says. She looks at him ruefully and grins. "But we're alive," she reminds him. They do it, right there on the soundstage. Not really. Scully gleefully tells her partner that Skinner has given them a Bureau credit card with the admonition to go have some fun. She pulls him up, and, taking his hand, walks him out of the soundstage to go hire them some hookers and buy some blow. As they leave the set, Mulder places the Lazarus bowl on the head of a statue on the set. A limb from a nearby tree touches it gently, making a soft skipping noise, like the sound of a needle on a record.

And if the episode had ended there, I truly would have had no major complaints. Despite, you know, all the complaining I already did. But no. Now, after our esteemed agents have left the sound stage, hundreds of zombies -- the dead that Mulder claims are everywhere -- materialize. It's like The Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, but lamer. The dead begin to dance. And dance. And dance. For like five full minutes. The soundstage's green screen turns to the image of the night sky. Some dead people mack, zombie-style.

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X-Files

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