X-Files

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Big Primping

Commercials. Let me take this moment to wish you all a happy and healthy New Year! I don't know about the rest of you, but my 2000 sucked ass. ASS, y'all. 2001 is already oodles better. Let's keep it up!

Coffee shop. Scully tries to convince Federman that he hallucinated the entire dancing-bones-recreate-the-bowl thing. Federman informs her blankly that what he saw "was either mechanical or CGI." Dude, if there's another filmmaker-as-retard moment, I swear to God, I'm going to throw something at the television. We. Get. It. Why don't you just burn down Chris Carter's house, and leave flaming bags of poo on the doorsteps of all the FOX studio executives who didn't pay you enough money, David? Gawd. Ahem. And so my complex love/hate relationship with Mr. Duchovny ratchets up a notch. Mulder chuckles and reminds Federman that what he saw wasn't in a movie, it was real life. Federman wonders existentially (or stupidly -- you decide) what the difference is, after all, and gets up to leave, announcing that he's gotten enough "flavor" from them, and that he has a movie to write. He takes his parting shots; telling Mulder he's crazy for believing all the paranormal stuff he believes, and telling Scully that she's crazy for not believing what Mulder does. Whatever. Scully and Mulder stare ahead for a moment, digesting that. She tells him that while she's sure Federman is "BS-ing" them, his tale reminds her of the story of "the Lazarus bowl." Scully explains that, when she was a wee uniformed lass back in Catholic school, she had a teacher that the rest of the students nicknamed "Sister Spooky," who used to tell them all kinds of crazy religious and quasi-religious stories. One such story revolved around the incident in which Jesus resurrected Lazarus from the dead. According to Sister Spooky, while Jesus was doing the whole raising from the dead, making new life thing, Lazarus's aunt ("Lazarus's aunt?" asks Mulder incredulously) was making a clay bowl, and Jesus's words were recorded in grooves on the bowl the way that music is recorded on vinyl. The punchline of the story was that the words in the clay still have the power to raise the dead. Scully is very proud of her story. Mulder grins and pronounces that "a very cool story." He and Scully smile sweetly at one another. Oh, you two! Mulder informs his partner that he's going to have someone meet her in his office to see if the bowl from the crypt has "Christ's greatest hits" recorded on it, while he goes to chat up Cardinal O'Fallon. Christ's Greatest Hits is a great album, by the way. I especially like track six, "What Would I Do?" and the hidden track, the duet with Dre, "What About JC?"

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X-Files

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