X-Files

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Big Primping

Take a drink, X-Files drinking game aficionados: Scully's performing an autopsy. She's weighing Hoffman's heart when, low and behold, he sits up and tells her he's going to need it back when she's done. Gillian Anderson does her patented breathy "oh my God," and stares, bemused, at his rotting, yet no longer lifeless body. Hoffman hops off the table. Scully wanders over to him, and goes to poke him with her scalpel, which she drops as he brushes her hands away. She bends to pick it up, and cuts herself. She peers at the wound, stands up, and sees Hoffman, dead again, lying peacefully on the table. She looks -- say it with me -- perplexed.

Okay, so it's, like, 3 AM and I just turned off the tape to go rummage through the fridge, and HBO is showing, like this very half-assed (so to speak) soft-core porn starring Paul Mercutio. That's so extremely sad.

Back in the autopsy room, Scully sits calmly by the now covered body of the still dead Hoffman as Mulder bursts through the door. She announces that Hoffman had a combination of red wine and strychnine in his stomach, which Mulder hypothesizes is poisoned communion wine, administered by O'Fallon, which seems to me a bit of a leap. Couldn't Hoffman have committed suicide by poisoning himself? How does Mulder know that Hoffman even took communion? Couldn't someone else have slipped him the mickey? Last I checked, red wine was not the sole domain of priests. Scully blankly agrees to get the warrant.

Scully and Mulder enter the church in the middle of Mass. Scully, having a sense of decency, tells her partner to wait for O'Fallon to finish the ceremony before arresting him. While they wait, she wanders over to a statue of Christ on the cross, and, like a good Catholic, gets on her knee and genuflects. When she looks up, the plaster Christ has been replaced by a flesh-and-blood Hoffman. She gasps, and looks pissed, rather than shocked. God, perturbed by this course of events, strikes down David Duchovny with an artfully directed lightening bolt. Scully looks at Mulder, then back at the statuary, which has returned to its plaster state. Scully makes a vaguely surprised look, shrugs, heads over to her partner and suggests they get this arrest thing over with. Because nothing really surprises her anymore. We get it. Thanks.

So the two of them interrupt the Mass, which is really rude to the worshippers, I think, but no one asked me, and cuff the Cardinal. As Mulder reads O'Fallon his Miranda rights, who walks into the church but Micah Hoffman, in the very not dead flesh. Hoffman, who looks sort of like an older, craggy Spike from Buffy, grins widely. D'oh!

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X-Files

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