X-Files

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Jessica: B- | Grade It Now!
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Big Primping

Anyway. Mulder, t-shirt-clad, lays on his comfy Pottery Barn sofa, watching Plan Nine from Outer Space and reciting the lines along with the characters. Because that's not (a) annoying or (b) pathetic. Enter Scully, who claims that she, too, cannot sleep. They sit on the sofa together for a while, bantering about Ed Wood, and the very fact that Mulder's an extremely pathetic individual. Scully wonders aloud if Hoffman actually is Jesus Christ. Mulder doesn't think so. They smile at one another fondly. Banter, banter, banter. Why don't you two just do it? They decide to use their Skinman-Demanded Vacation to fly to Hollywood and schmooze with the beautiful people.

Paul Mercutio is now doing some French girl in the rain in a barn. He's wearing a Zorro costume. In case you're interested. If the fact that Mulder has seen Plan Nine from Outer Space forty-two times makes Scully sad, the fact that the cute guy from Strictly Ballroom is now balling bad actresses to pay the rent makes me sad. Paul, sweetie, fire your agent!

Hollywood; FOX's backlot. For some reason, Mulder and Scully are attired in their usual work clothes, rather than some kicky Madras vacation wear. ["Dude, how funny would that have been? I'd pay good money to see David Duchovny in a fanny pack." -- Wing Chun]

Inside the soundstage, the two of them exchange a gleeful glance at the sight of all the hustle and bustle of the super-exciting sit-around-and-wait filmmaking business. Federman introduces them to Shandling and Leoni. "Cute" business with Mulder and Leoni checking one another out surreptitiously. I yawn hugely. After about six years of my life are wasted with this they're-married-in-real-life-get-it? hooha, Leoni takes Scully off so that Scully can teach her how to run around in huge high heels without taking a digger. Shandling and Duchovny work through a labored bit that goes on forever and finally reveals that Mulder "dresses left." Dude. That schtick was much funnier the first time I saw it, on The Larry Sanders show.

More unfunny schtick on the set, as a zombie "bites" Téa Leoni's shoulder and freaks out because her faux shoulder is make of turkey and not Tofurkey, and storms off the set in a huff. This episode, which up to this point was both interesting and rather amusing, is totally careening down the hill to Crapsville with all this unfunny set shenanigans rigamarole. Mulder and Scully stand around with their mouths open for like, twenty minutes. I am embarrassed for everyone involved.

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X-Files

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