Big shout-outs to (a) Cindy and her roommate, who sure have a lot of tapes of The X-Files, and who were nice enough to loan me some, and (b) to the forums, just because.
Am I watching The X-Files, or Six Feet Under? Because this here's a funeral home. Mid-funeral, specifically. A small, dark-haired woman is up at the podium, giving a sniffly eulogy for this week's Pre-Credits Victim of the Monster of the Week, a blonde all laid out in her casket like Heather Chandler. If Christian Slater shows up with some dynamite strapped to his chest, I am going to be so stoked. Sniffly says something to the effect that they're all going to keep memories of Heather close to their hearts until they "meet again in God's kingdom." And she loves her dead gay friend! Sniffly stumbles off the podium and people start filing past Heather, making sad faces and biting their fists. Heather's family stares at her dead body, all puffy-faced and shocked-looking. Mark Snow plays the song he wrote on the red-eye from Vancouver to Los Angeles, a minor key piano tune titled "Dead Blonde Girl (Your Nightmare's Just Beginning [Oh, Yeah])," as a tall creepy guy enters the room and stares at the body with an eerie mixture of longing and excitement. I'm not even going to pretend I don't know this character's name, okay? Because he, like, haunts my nightmares and makes me cry hot, wet, gut-wrenching tears into my pillow. As Heather's family stumbles out of the room, the Funeral Home Boss comes up to Donnie Pfaster and quietly tells him that the family is having a graveside ceremony the next day, and that they're keeping the body overnight. Donnie Pfaster makes a disturbingly pleased face. Can I just tell you how much Donnie Pfaster freaks me out? When I turned off this episode to go read the forums for a while, who was on Gilmore Girls? Donnie Pfaster. I screamed and screamed. Donnie Pfaster was trying to kill Lorelai! Run, Lorelai, run! Interestingly, though, the actor who plays Donnie Pfaster made his television debut in an episode of Red Shoe Diaries titled "Auto Erotica," an episode which also featured, of course, David Duchovny. And I don't think I need to remind anyone that, according to Clyde Bruckman, Mulder is supposed to die from...autoerotic asphyxiation. Coincidence, surely. Or is it?
Okay, so anyway, back at the Funeral Home, FHB scampers out of the room to attend to some kind of funeral-esque business. Donnie Pfaster surreptitiously looks around and, finding himself alone, begins stroking Heather Chandler's long blonde hair. "Such a beautiful girl," he murmurs, holding up a lock of hair and examining it, as if for split ends. Then he closes the coffin in our faces. Because we're suddenly in the coffin. Because that's a nifty camera angle. Even though it really doesn't make a whole lot of sense.