X-Files

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He's Totally Resistible, Dude

Back at the field office, Bocks perches on the edge of his desk and watches the Vikings game. On the television, Vikings receiver Cris Carter (get it? Do you get it? Despite the spelling difference, do you get it? Do you? Can you possibly get it?) makes a great catch. Mulder and Scully enter, and Bocks apologizes for making them miss the game. Dude, nothing makes me miss the game. I went to the UCLA/Duke basketball game my senior year of college with a 101-degree fever. Do you know how hard I worked for those tickets? I practically had to sell my body for them. There was no way I was going to miss that bloody game! And then I went home and fell into a coma. I used to be hard-core, yo. Now I go to bed at 10:30 PM and watch the Discovery Channel and read library books about gardening. And serial killers. "We found more bodies dug up," Bocks continues, over another shot of the other Cris Carter, dancing around the sidelines inside the tiny TV. This body, Bocks says, got a little haircut after she died. With pinking shears. And she's the third defiled body in three days. Scully's lower lip quivers. Bocks tells Mulder that two of the bodies had their hair cut, post-mortem, and that one of them had her fingernails removed with needle-nosed pliers. Scully turns green and scampers out of the room to hurl. Mulder looks after her, a vague expression of concern flitting across his pretty, pretty face. He shakes it off, telling Bocks to draft a memo to the FBI and local law-enforcement agencies, warning them that the Twin Cities may have a dangerous fetishist on their hands. They need to tighten security around places where dead people hang out: hospitals, mortuaries, morgues, the Bronze, graveyards, and so forth. And, he says, because fetishists often trade up and turn into homicidal maniacs, the public needs to be warned to keep a watchful eye. Bocks is all, this memo will totally freak people out! And Mulder is all, then don't get too gruesome in it, but get the word out, man! "Once he gets the taste of a warm body, he's going to need more," Mulder says. And then Bocks blathers some stuff to the effect that people don't believe that shit happens, and that law enforcement is totally going to have issues getting their ducks in a row, rounding people up over the weekend, even with a crazy homicidal maniac all roaming around and cutting up girls and ripping out their fingernails. Um, Bocks? It's called the telephone. Why don't you try calling some of your men into the station, dumb-ass? It's not like you're all alone on the Congo, or something. The majority of the "unreachable" police force is, like, eating a bowl of BBQ-flavored potato chips and watching NASCAR on the sofa. Man, even Harmony Chief of Police Sam "I'm Back Together With My Amnesiac Wife, But, Boy, Are We in for Trouble, Because There's This Guy With a Foreign Accent in Town Gunning for Us" Bennett can assemble his troops when trouble hits on Passions. Which is, like, every single day. Of course, there are only two people other than him on the police force. And one of them is his brother, New Hunky Hank. And the other one is the older brother of his illegitimate son's new wife. Well, almost. Because the double wedding of Sam's illegitimate son Ethan and sweet naïve Theresa and sweet naïve Theresa's older brother Luis and Sam's illegitimate son Ethan's former Aunt Sheridan, the one who was buried alive a few months ago, is this week, and I doubt that it will go off without a hitch, especially since Sheridan is supposed to be killed by her wedding ring, the inside of which has been painted with poison by her brother, despite the fact that he really can't get behind this whole kill-his-sister-on- her-wedding-day scheme. Even still.

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X-Files

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