Episode Report Card
Jessica: A | 1 USERS: A+
Jose Chung's From Outer Space

"I'm not sure where they took me, because I was like this in pain," Harold tells Mulder and Scully back at the police station, scrunching his face and upper body up in a ball. Behind Mulder, Scully paces around, looking bored. "Because the aliens were conducting torturous experiments on you?" Mulder asks, a little too hopefully. Just you wait, mister. You are in for some delightful torturous experiments of your own! "No," Harold says. "No. It was like...you remember when you were a kid and you tore the legs off a bug for no reason? I guess I was the bug." I never did that. Although I used to torture ants by sticking our garden hose down their ant hole. For some reason, I felt compelled to yell "Remember the Alamo!" as they all ran out of the hole in desperate search for dry ground. I presume we had just finished learning about the Alamo in my history class, but why I held the ants responsible, I really can't tell you. Anyway, Harold continues his tale of woe, explaining that, the next thing he knew, he was flying through the air. He hit the ground, he says, and was knocked out. When he came to, he ran to Chrissy's to make sure she was okay. At this, Scully has had enough. She slams her hand down on the desk. "Harold? Did you and Chrissy engage in consensual sexual intercourse that night?" she asks. That's our Scully -- cutting right to the chase. Harold looks abashed. "If her father finds out, I'm a dead man," he says. And on the first date! No wonder they got abducted by aliens! Anyone who's ever seen a horror movie knows that teenagers who have sex are doomed to get their faces ripped off by creatures from another planet eventually.

Scully and Mulder confab, sans Harold. "So what if they had sex?" Mulder asks. "So, we know that it wasn't an alien that probed her," Scully retorts, explaining that she thinks it's more likely that this is a case of "sexual trauma" rather than an alien abduction, especially in light of the kids' conflicting stories. Detective Manners comes barging in at this point, announcing that he just got a phone call from "some crazy bleephead," who claims to have witnessed the abduction. "Feel like talking to this blankhole?" he asks. That schtick just never stops being funny for me.

The blankhole is the dude with the Buddy Holly glasses from the electric company, whose name is actually Rocky. Mulder and Scully pay a little visit to Rocky's studio/garage. Rocky tells them that he knows how crazy this all sounds, but what he has to say has to be said. Or something. "It's bigger than a couple of kids. It has to do with the entire planet, the universe, and who knows what all," he tells them, dramatically waving a sheaf of paper. Apparently, he wrote everything down. Mulder reaches for the manuscript, but Rocky pulls it back. He doesn't want to be overly dramatic, he says, but Mulder and Scully are putting their lives in danger just by looking it! Their very lives! Do you understand? Their lives! Again! Some more! "Why is that?" Mulder asks. Rocky gazes dramatically off into the distance and narrates that, the night before, "the weirdest thing happened."

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