X-Files

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Jessica: A | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Jose Chung's From Outer Space

We cut...well, actually, we don't cut. It's exactly the same shot, but it's apparently the night before; Mulder and Scully are gone and Rocky has his manifesto open in front of him. His garage door flies open. He watches open-mouthed as a old black Cadillac -- fins and all -- with blacked-out windows comes squealing around the corner and into his garage. The garage door bangs shut behind it. Rocky stares as the driver's-side window rolls down to reveal Jesse Ventura in a black suit and hat. And goatee. "No other object has been more misidentified as a flying saucer than the planet Venus," Jesse Ventura announces. "Really?" Rocky asks.

"That was when I realized something was weird," Rocky tells Mulder and Scully. "At which point?" Scully asks. Rocky calmly explains that, usually, when two strangers drive into his garage -- because that happens all the time, I'm sure -- he tells them to get the hell off his property. But this time, it was like he was in a trance. Mulder asks what the men looked like. Rocky shrugs that he's usually good with faces, but this time, all he can remember is how they were dressed. "All in black?" Mulder asks. Rocky looks over at Scully. She delicately raises a brow. "How'd you know that?" he asks. Mulder explains that since the 1950s, people have reported mysterious visitations from these men in black, especially after an alien encounter of some sort. Scully calmly does her brow exercises.

Back in the LBO, Jose Chung tells Scully that myths about men in black have existed for centuries and in many cultures. Scully snarks that "the modern reconstruction of ancient fairy tales" doesn't really do much to help Rocky's testimony.

Back to Rocky Vision. Jesse Ventura peels himself out of the car. And can we just take a moment to give it up for Minnesota? How many states have a governor who guest-starred on The X-Files? Not to mention being the home state of Brandon and Brenda Walsh! Way to go! "Even the former leader of your United States of America, James Earl Carter Junior, thought he saw a UFO once. But it's been proven he only saw the planet Venus," Jesse monotones. He reaches out and fingers Rocky's manifesto, which has been titled The Truth About Aliens. Rocky snatches the manuscript back, hugging it to his chest. "I'm a Republican," Rocky counters. "Venus was at its peak brilliance late night. You probably thought you saw something up in the sky other than Venus, but I assure you, it was Venus," Jesse Ventura says. He's really very convincing. He could totally silence me. Will Smith, not so much. I'd want to question him about the whereabouts of DJ Jazzy Jeff. He'd be all, "You never saw this. This never happened." And I would be all, "Would you agree, sir, that parents just do not understand? What is your stance on that?" And he would be all, "You will remember none of this," and I would be all, "I remember when you and Carlton cooked up some wacky hijinks and got in trouble with Uncle Phil." And then I'd probably end up with my memory wiped out and working at the Frosty Freeze on Pico. Actually, I'd probably be really happy if the only thing I could remember was how to make a chocolate dip. Jesse Ventura grabs Rocky by the collar. "I know what I saw," Rocky manages to choke out. "Your scientists have yet to discover how neural networks create self-consciousness, let alone how the human brain processes two-dimensional retinal images into the three-dimensional phenomenon known as perception," Jesse Ventura spits. "Yet you somehow brazenly declare that seeing is believing!" Rocky looks somewhat faint. The second man in black emerges from the car to stand threateningly. We never see his face, although Rocky does, doing a double take when he first catches a glimpse. Jesse Ventura heads back to his car. "Your scientific illiteracy makes me shudder," Jesse Ventura says. "And I wouldn't flaunt your ignorance by telling anyone that you saw anything last night other than the planet Venus. Because if you do, you're a dead man." He and the mysterious second man in black climb into the car. "You can't threaten me," Rocky yelps. "I just did," Jesse Ventura says, before throwing the Caddy into reverse and speeding away.

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X-Files

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