X-Files

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Jessica: C- | 2 USERS: B+
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We open with a Morris Fletcher voice-over, which is weird, but at least it's not Scully talking about the complexity of the human genome, or something. I'm taking what I can get, people. "Once upon a time there were three...how shall I put this? Geeks," Morris begins, over shots of the Gunmen doing Gunmen-like things (doing some funky poaching, for example). "Three more unlikely heroes there never were," he continues. And thus, those of us who never watched The Lone Gunmen get a quick review of what it was ostensibly all about (other than providing yet another outlet for Chris Carter's ginormous ego): apparently, the boys, along with a blond pretty boy, help the helpless and try to save the world. Also, they meet a mysterious British chick with abnormally, freakishly large lips. There is also techno music, apparently. "It wasn't long before their naiveté almost got them killed," Morris says, over a shot of Byers with a gun to his head. Of course, this Byers With the Gun to the Head Moment occurred before they all met up with Jimmy (the blond dude we just saw) and Yves (Fat Lips, ditto), so....yes, it's true. We have a record. We've got a major continuity mistake within the teaser! Way to go, guys! That bodes well. "Until they hooked up with an FBI Agent," Morris continues. Mulder! "And began publishing -- what shall I call it? - a rag called The Lone Gunman. From their cramped basement office, they pointed fingers at powerful, evil, government figures." And I'd just like to say that, hello? 1013? We've got four episodes left. I guarantee you that anyone watching this particular episode already knows who the Lone Gunmen are. Why are you explaining this to us when we know it already? "And some...not so evil," Morris Fletcher says, as we cut to a shot of, well, him. I hear that he was in the series finale of The Lone Gunmen but to me -- and I suspect most people watching this episode -- Morris Fletcher is just the guy Mulder switched bodies with in "Dreamland" and it makes totally no sense that he's doing this voice-over or is even in this episode at all. Blah, blah blah, American heroes blah. We are reminded that Frohike thinks Scully is hot, and again I say that WE KNOW. Dudes, this isn't the opening to the first episode of The Lone Gunmen, wherein the writers are trying to suck in new viewers who've never watched The X-Files! This is one of the last episodes of The X-Files, and we're all waiting for some goddamn answers already so show the fucking credits and let's get on with it, people! Jesus. Blah, blah, blah, along the way the Gunmen picked up an intern (Jimmy, whom we've already seen in the teaser, dudes), and a nemesis (Fat Lips, ditto). Blah blah blah blah blah blah. "But the world is not kind to idealists," Morris yammers along. "And those who fight the good fight don't always win. And could we make it any more obvious that we're killing these guys off? Why don't you see what's on Alias now? Duchovny's not back for a bit yet. No, go ahead! That Jennifer Garner has a horse face but I hear one of the dudes is hot. No, go! Come back for the very end when the boys buy the farm. The middle section of this episode is all basically filler anyway! Go! Go! We'll be here when you get back! Have fun!"

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X-Files

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