X-Files

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Jessica: C- | 2 USERS: B+
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Credits. At damn last.

I'm completely serious about how totally pointless the vast majority of this episode is. I'm almost tempted to give you just a paragraph about the middle forty-five minutes and only recap the last scene in detail because you know what? Nothing that happened in the course of this episode has any relevance to the swiftly approaching end of this show whatsoever. And Wing Chun is on vacation, so I could almost get away with it. ["Although I certainly wouldn't recommend it. She knows everything." -- Niki] So be prepared, I might just give up in the middle of this damn thing and walk away.

We open in the middle of the ocean. Morris Fletcher's lounging in a speedboat with a buxom blonde. They banter for several endless minutes (about, among other things, the Bermuda Triangle -- a conversation which not only reminds me of "Triangle," a far, far, far superior episode, but also of Passions, because Bermuda is where Luis and Sheridan where briefly reunited thanks to the "Power of the Triangle." Ah, the hilarity. Anyway...), before they're fallen upon by pirates. I can not adequately describe how much I love pirates. Unfortunately, these aren't carrying knives between their teeth, or wearing puffy shirts or saying "argh" (unlike certain coworkers I could name), and where's the fun in that? The pirates kidnap the blonde and blow up the boat. Morris dives overboard. Pieces of wood float in the water, burning. What looks like the blueprint to a space ship drifts past. But don't worry about that. It doesn't have anything to do with the rest of the episode, this season, or The X-Files whatsoever.

So, I guess Morris got picked up by the Coast Guard, because he's at their HQ in Miami Beach. Sitting in an interrogation room, he touches the Band-Aid on his cheek gingerly. Enter Doggett and Moronica. Oh, don't worry about what happens here, either, because it has no relevance later. At all. In fact, Annabeth Gish and Robert Patrick could have baked cupcakes and belly danced for the duration of this scene, and it would have had the same impact on the plot of this episode. They could have juggled wheels of brie and slabs of raw meat. They could have played Death is Not an Option (Doggett: "Okay. Kersh or Billy Miles. Before the skin shower." Moronica: "Ew! Oh, God. Um, Kersh, I guess, as long as he doesn't say anything. Okay: Mulder, or [Dread Pirate] Brad." Doggett: "Hmmm. Mulder, I guess. I don't like Brad's hair."). They could have sat in silence. Whatever. "Finally! What took you so long?" Morris wonders. "You must be Reyes," he leers toward Moronica. "Enchanté." "Yeah," Moronica says shortly. Oh, okay: hee! She mentions that he asked for them by name, and they'd like to know why. Blah blah blah, he knows they've been assigned to the X-Files and he thinks they'll appreciate what he has to tell them. Doggett's, like, cleaning the dirt out from under his fingernails with an unwound paper clip and wondering if he remembered to defrost the pot roast. In other words, he could give a shit. Morris is all, "I used to work at Area 51!" Doggett is all, yawn. Morris boasts that he was a "man in black." Doggett comments idly that he saw the movie. "Yeah, well, there were a lot of technical inaccuracies in that," Morris grumbles. Shout out? No, probably not.

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X-Files

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