X-Files

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Jessica: C- | 2 USERS: B+
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"This is pointless. These boys couldn't find stink in an outhouse," Morris Fletcher announces from the doorway. Everyone rolls his or her eyes, and Frohike goes after Morris with a golf club. Doggett stops him with one hand. Langly, for his part, tries to leap on Morris to strangle him, but Moronica stops him. With one hand. Byers -- because he's a man of words, not violence -- says that Morris is "a professional con artist." Frohike sputters that Morris kidnapped Yves LippyMcLips last year. I can't believe that this episode is basically being used as a series finale for The Lone Gunmen when we've only got a limited amount of hours left to unravel the disaster that is The X-Files. We need to focus! Morris points out that because he was the one who kidnapped Yves Lipsalot, he knows what happened to her. And she was -- oh, you know what? Screw it. Yves des Lips Larges is not a Super Solider. I don't have time for red herrings this week, people. But for purposes of wrapping up Carter's stupid vanity show, Doggett and Moronica think it would be a good idea to track down Yves Fat Smackers because....I don't even know why. Obviously, this whole "I need a Super Solider as my own personal bodyguard" thing is totally crap, because as far as I understand it, they don't really work like that. Or do they? Do they want to talk to her about the whole Mulder thing? I don't know. I think this is just a way to bring Yves Lipsy Malone back into the picture. Whatever.

Hartwell College, Kearney, NJ. Speaking of Yves Mouthy McLipperpants, there she is, dressed like a hippie college student. She slinks into the office of a Professor Houghton. Yada yada yada, when Professor IHaveNoLines's colleague (played by the dude who was Peter, Amy's irritating older brother on Judging Amy which I recapped long, long ago) comes to fetch him for carpool, he finds the prof. dead on the floor with his heart ripped out of his chest. That has got to smart! Peter looks out the office window just in time to see Yves "The Mouth" running away.

Can I just say that I am stunned at how unimportant this episode is as far as the overarching plot of The X-files goes, especially considering that it culminates in the death of three rather well-loved secondary characters? Ooops, I didn't just give that away, did I? I also wonder what the writing staff is doing at the 1013 production office instead of, you know, figuring out how to end this thing. It must be like:

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X-Files

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