X-Files

Episode Report Card
Jessica: C- | 2 USERS: B+
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Jump The Shark

Jimmy comes to on a sofa with a wet washcloth draped over his forehead. "Oh right, your old errand boy. The guy who used to intern for you losers," Morris narrates for the rest of us. Where has he been? All over, he says, looking for Yves McMoutherson. "It's been a real geology lesson," Jimmy malaprops. The boys exchange glances. He says that he traced her to a small college in NJ and he thinks she killed a guy. Yeah, we know that.

Cut to Yves MouthyFatLips dressed in what I hear is her customary black catsuit, down in the basement of...somewhere. She places an oxygen mask on her face, all Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet, and then throws Professor PlotPoint's heart into the incinerator. Please note that she's got this fancy-ass mask on, but she's not wearing gloves. "One down," she mumbles around her ginormous lips.

College of I Can't Believe We're Wasting This Hour on a Monster of the Week Episode When The Lone Gunmen Totally Could Have Died in a Mytharc Episode That Was Not Only Moving, But Also Tied Some Shit Up, Dude. Moronica and Doggett are showing Amy's brother Peter a photo of Yves de Lipschild. Can I tell you that while I remember almost nothing about recapping Judging Amy, I will never forget a scene in which Peter played the guitar and sang "Jumping Jack Flash" while Amy danced around? That was scarier than this entire season of The X-Files. Peter thinks Yves Mouthy Liperstein is the killer, but he's not totally sure. He exposits that Dead Professor DeadGuy worked at the college as an immunologist, researching the superior immune system of the shark to try to figure out how to improve the immune system of us humans. "He was going to save the world," Peter mumbles.

Lone Gunpound. Some weird dorky guy whose name I gather is Kimmy is working on the computer. Apparently, he's "a hacking genius," and the Lone Gunmen have asked him to try to trace Yves Lippyberg's car (which they've identified through a series of unlikely breaks) as it drives toward DC.

Langly, Byers, and Frohike leave Jimmy and Kimmy (groan) alone in the office with Morris. I guess they're out to get Yves McMouthFace. I'm glad they're so concerned about someone who is -- to most of the people watching this episode -- practically a total stranger. Especially considering the fact that we never heard any of them ever say anything about Mulder. And I mean for the past two years, they've never said anything about Mulder. They're running all over the universe to find Yves de Mouthy Lipsalot, but did we ever see them even boot up the laptop to help Scully locate the father of her child? No. And why? Because the cardinal rule at 1013 over the last two years seems to have been "show all the interesting stuff off-screen and forget Duchovny ever existed."

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X-Files

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