X-Files

Episode Report Card
Jessica: C- | 2 USERS: B+
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Jump The Shark

Doggett and Moronica are visiting a Medical Examiner who is not Scully. Is Gillian Anderson not in this episode at all? "Maybe she was also kidnapped," the Mulder action figure suggests from his perch on my knee, where he's tracing the events of the evening before the Scully was kidnapped. He told me yesterday that he's closing in on a suspect, but he didn't want to jinx anything. Then I caught him dropping pieces of red fabric into a tiny test tube made from half of a circle of bubble wrap. I have no idea what that's all about. Anyway, the ME is all blah blah blah, heart ripped out post-mortem, blah blah blah weird radioactive shit going on in the professor's blood. "Bioluminescence," the ME clarifies. He tells Doggett and Moronica that he found a piece of shark cartilage grafted into the professor's chest cavity. Doggett handles the cartilage. "It held something. Something that's now missing," he says. Maybe it was the narrative arc of this show?

Over at the Lone Gunman's place, Morris explains that he has no idea what's up with the weird cartilage thing, or the professor or any of that crap and he doesn't have any idea what Yves Lipsterberg was up to when she killed the dude. He's continuing in this vein when Kimmy interrupts by beating the hell out of the computer, bitching that it's a piece of crap. "I knew the guys were broke, but this is pathetic," he says. Moronica acts surprised to hear of the Gunmen's sad slide into poverty, even though the past season and a half have made it very clear that they're low on cash. They've even asked to borrow money, both from her and Doggett. So, put two and two together, Moronica. Jimmy explains sadly that the boys spent their last dime trying to find Yves O'Lipsey. "They're loyal to their friends," he says, even though the teaser tried to tell us that Yves Les Lips was their "nemesis."

Frohike, Byers, and Langly are at a hotel, spying on Yves von Lipserberg, who is spying on a bald guy. This would be interesting if I were invested in Lipsy at all...oh, wait. No, it really wouldn't be. I'll say it again: if the folks at 1013 wanted to kill off the Gunmen, they very easily could have done so in an episode that was, like, about something. They could have sacrificed themselves for William, for Scully, to save Mulder from being captured by....you know, whomever it is that's allegedly after him. And that would have had some meaning for me. As it stands, I can barely bring myself to even sketch out the most rudimentary plot points of this episode, because it's basically forty minutes of wasting time, and then five minutes of people dying. I guess I should be glad that the Lone Gunmen didn't die off-screen, though, right? Anyway. Yves Lipsery follows the bald dude into his room. The boys follow her.

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X-Files

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