X-Files

Episode Report Card
Jessica: C- | 2 USERS: B+
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Jump The Shark

This entire scene with Yves Mouthy Lipsypants and the bald guy is totally unimportant. All you need to know is that the guy knocks her out and escapes. When she comes to, the Lone Gunmen, Jimmy, and the Feds are all staring at her. And what do we learn in this scene? Nothing that anyone cares about. She's not a Super Soldier. Like, no shit. And unless they all let her finish what she started, "innocent people will die." Also, she'd like to know who put them on her trail.

So they totally take her word for everything and take her to see Morris at the Gunpound. Morris immediately confirms that The Mouth is no Super Solider, at which point The Aforesaid Mouth earns her keep by ripping off his Band-Aid to reveal a tracking device. Which is never really explained to my satisfaction, but whatever. Doggett spits that Morris has been "running a scam" right from the get-go. Morris is all, "Yeah, and it worked." Morris has been working for "an international arms dealer," Yves exposits. "A billionaire. And scum of the earth." Her father, CGB Spender! Okay, she doesn't say it's CSM. And I'm sure it's not. Because that might have been interesting. Everyone looks shocked that LipLipsALot comes from terrorist stock. And she tells them that she "hates everything [her] father stands for," and that the man she killed was a terrorist, a "zealot whose research was funded by [her] father for its potential as a weapons system." Apparently, the shark cartilage acts as a container for a deadly virus, keeping the human carrier safe from the virus until the cartilage decomposes and the virus is exposed to everyone within a six-mile radius of the carrier. Or something. It's really not important, and we all know it. We're just wasting some time before the pointless dying starts. The beauty of this plan is that the carrier can take the virus wherever he wants, since it won't be detected by law enforcement. And the bald dude was the last guy left with the virus inside him. Yves A. Lipsface says that the cartilage decays in "a clock-like fashion," and they only have an hour to save the world. Okay, to save a six-mile radius of people.

Then Frohike and Byers scamper into the corner and have a brief discussion, the upshot of which is that no matter how bad things get, they can never give up. "We never gave up. We never gave in. If, in the end, that's the best they can say about us, it'll do," Byers says. I hope you get it, because the point here is very, very oblique.

Meanwhile, Doggett and Moronica have tracked down the bald guy, but I'm going to save us all some time and agony and tell you guys that Baldy is just a decoy. The real second-time bomb man is Peter, a fact that Yves immediately figures out. Seriously, she's like, "It must be someone hiding in plain sight! I know! Peter!" It was literally that easy. And I just skipped, like, six scenes. This episode feels like it was written at the red lights between Chris Carter's place in Malibu and the 1013 offices.

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X-Files

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