Hey there. Hang on five minutes; we'll get to the recap as soon as I wrap up my Christmas gifts, here. I'm really swamped, preparing for the holidays…
To Robert Patrick: A lifetime supply of polish sausages.
To Mitch Pileggi: See above.
To Annabeth Gish: My foot in your ass.
To Gillian Anderson: A framed dollar bill and a copy of your Emmy clip from 1997, for inspiration.
To David Duchovny: Anything you want. Baby, please come home.
To Chris Carter: As agreed, a pound of flesh. Now, give me back my soul!
Fade up on home videotape of two Blink 182-looking teenage boys. Damn, it is never a good sign when Fox has to run the The X-Files logo across the bottom of the screen throughout the teaser, to keep people from thinking that the show's been preempted for, say, COPS or something. Anyway, the dudes are all hopping up and down in front of the camera and "woo"-ing, as persons of their ilk are wont to do. One of them welcomes us to "The Dumb-ass Show, dudes!" He introduces himself as "Sky Commander Winky," and his compadre as "the beautiful Captain Dare, the biggest dumb-ass I know." First of all, this Jackass take-off is about two years too late. Second, "Sky Commander Winky"? If I actually thought this was at all a realistic portrayal of today's youth, I would be weeping for the future. Anyway, Captain Dare and Winky are preparing for some kind of idiotic stunt. As Capt. Dare straps on a football helmet, Winky tells the camera that "only the stupidest dumb-ass would neglect to take every safety precaution." Capt. Dare strolls over to home plate (yeah, they're on a baseball field. Did I neglect to mention that? Sorry. I was too busy muttering about the kids today) and waits, as Winky explains that "the physics [for this stunt] alone took almost five minutes of calculation." Capt. Dare "woos" some more and tells Winky to "fire when ready." Winky rolls one of those pitching machines that they have at batting ranges -- you know, that fires baseballs at you -- over to the mound and lets 'er rip. The baseball hits Capt. Dare square in the nuts, and he drops to the dirt, squealing. "Mother[bleep]er! What the [bleep]?" he moans. What, did Capt. Dare not realize that it would really, really hurt to get whacked in the balls by a hard object traveling sixty miles an hour, especially sans cup? I know that, and I don't even have the equipment. The assembled crowd of teenagers -- who ought to be home reading about the War of 1812, or watching TRL at their friend Jennifer's house, or in rehearsal for the spring production of The Pajama Game, or shooting hoops at the park, or any number of other worthy activities -- cheers.
Next "Dumb-ass" stunt. Capt. Dare calls over a lank-haired pouty girl teen named "Natalie," asking for "a kiss for good luck." Natalie stares blankly ahead. "Bill. Why are you doing this?" she says, with no inflection in her voice whatsoever. People, I thought the woman in that episode last season with the guy who turned into the metal was the worst actress on this show, ever, but she may have some competition with Natalie. I haven't had the pleasure of seeing an actress so wooden since…well, that time last season. "His name is Capt. Dumb-ass," Winky snips, "and one day he'll be famous for going where no dudes have gone before." Okay; could someone on the writing staff please learn the correct conjugation of the word "dude"? Generally, one does not use "dudes" in place of "man." And if one did, as in the just-quoted sentence, the correct usage would be "famous for going where no dude [singular] has gone before." If only because Captain Dare is only one dude. In my experience, the word "dudes" is rarely used, other than to greet a large group of people. The singular "dude" is much more user-friendly, and can also, in fact, be used much like the general second-person plural "you," as well as in greeting, or as an exclamation (or dismay, excitement, disgust, what have you). It's a very versatile word, but it's quite glaring when used incorrectly. Perhaps the next time one of the writers wishes to "dude" someone up, they ought to give me a ring. Capt. Dumb-ass climbs into a PortaPotty attached to the back of a car and is carted, inside it, around the park. People yell. Natalie looks disgusted. Confidential to Natalie: if you think your shitcan-riding boyfriend is such a moron, why dontcha break it off instead of standing around and pouting? Just a suggestion. Eventually, of course, the PortaPotty tips over. People "woo" some more. Capt. Dare climbs out triumphantly, reeking of shit and grinning. "There it is! There it is! Yes!" Winky crows. Capt. Dumb-ass chases Natalie around a bit, while she screams and tries to evade his excrement-covered body. In the crowd, the guy who played Emory Dick on Popular stares at her mournfully.
Okay, so this is totally the longest teaser ever, ever made. Ever. Because it's still going on! And it's not like it's a teaser featuring Mulder and Krycek, trapped in an everlasting forced-striptease for a gaggle of beer-swilling aliens. It's stupid teen tricks! The next one features "the Cart of Doom" -- a shopping cart that Capt. Dare plans to ride down the street, off a ramp, over Natalie lying on the ground holding a sparkler in her mouth, and then…um, I don't know. Down the rest of the street, except in flames? Whatever. Doesn't matter, because Natalie doesn't want to do it. Winky hisses at her that "this is the money shot," and he really needs her to lie down and put the damn firecracker in her mouth! "What could go wrong?" Capt. Dare asks her. Natalie mentions that he could land on her face and crush her head. The boys plead. Finally, Natalie sets her jaw and agrees. She's very stupid. Whatever happened to, "Dude, I have algebra homework. I'll see you guys tomorrow"? Kids today! Emory Dick stares some more.