X-Files

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This is Why Jessica Drives

Interminable tracking shots of both walking and sweating, sweating and walking. They're sweating, you see, because it's hot. Very hot. Hot enough to fry eggs. Hot like the surface of the sun. Suddenly, Tubby freaks that's he's burning up all over again. "It buwns!" he lisps, as his arm is devoured by what looks like an electrical current. Scully instructs Lyle to douse Tubby in fresh water, which extinguishes the fire. Lyle is totally perplexed by this turn of events -- as is Scully, loath though she is to admit it. Scully's all, "Something is attacking his dermis." Doggett is all, "No shit, Sherlock." Scully worries, mostly to herself, that they're dealing with some kind of biochemical weapon. That Scully! Always jumping to the most disastrous conclusion. As Doggett and Scully yammer about Tubby and biochemical weapons, Dickhead starts to get his bitch on, yet again. Shoot him, Doggett, please. And, because it's so hot, why don't you take off your shirt? Hey, I make no secret of my jones for Duchovny. But you have to take what you can get, people.

Doggett splits up the group, arranging for a HazMat team to pick up Tubby and Lyle, and the bodies, and taking Dickhead with him to investigate further. As they distance themselves from Tubby and Lyle, Dickhead begins to lag behind. He looks at his hand. It's splashed with a phosphorescent substance. He evilly glares toward Doggett's back.

2:23 PM. The HazMat team removes Lyle, Tubby, and the three dead bodies from the tunnel, in full HazMat regalia. Scully has come out of the situation room to meet them. As a sidebar, I really want a situation room of my own. Wouldn't that be convenient? "Put the new leather sofa in the situation room, Harry." "We'll discuss this in the situation room, young lady!" "Meet me in the situation room. Wearing this. Wearing only this." Yes. I would like a situation room of my own. As the HazMat dudes speed past her, Scully takes Lyle aside and fills her in on the sitch, which is basically that she has no idea what's going on, but that she's working on it. She's stressed. It doesn't help that, right in front of her nose, the HazMat guys take off in the wrong direction, bodies in tow. Running over Lyle, Scully races after them. Catching up, she plays the "I'm asking you as a federal agent" card, and demands to know what they hell they're doing. Naturally, Karas slinks into the hallway, and informs her that -- say it with me -- they're on a deadline. And he's rearranged her plans. Scully simultaneously narrows her eyes and raises her eyebrows, and angrily accuses him of having prior knowledge of the bodies, and of the contagion itself. She demands to see his inspection records. He shirts that they're out of time, and that, in an hour and a half, he's giving the go-ahead for the trains to start running. Scully purses her lips. Karas purses his harder. She wins the face-off, and tells the HazMat Dudes, in no uncertain terms, to take the bodies to the CDC. Go Scully!

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X-Files

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