X-Files

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Nothing Important Happened Today, Part I

FBI Training Academy. Quantico, Virginia. 6:28 PM. Autopsy time! It sure wouldn't be The X-Files if Scully wasn't slicing open a dead body. Doggett and Moronica stand over a body bag, waiting. Eventually, Scully trudges into the room. She looks exhausted. I'm sure Scully's worried about the baby, and sad about Mulder and sick of working on this stupid show while David got the hell out even though he doesn't have half the acting range she does. On the other hand, if Scully is so freaking tired, how did she have time to wash and style her hair and pour herself into that fancy new suit? I would have shown up in dirty jeans and a ponytail. Must. Stop. Nitpicking. Doggett and Moronica have Iceman's body on the table. They want Scully to autopsy it. I still don't get what Iceman has to do with the alien replicant/supe-solider thing, but whatever. I guess Doggett and Moronica assume this death is connected to their investigation because they were slipped the obit, but I have a question. Whatever happened to "Trust No One"? The obit could easily be a red herring, or a set-up. Scully makes a face at the body on the table, as Doggett gives her the bullet on Iceman. "And?" she asks. Doggett tells her someone slipped them his obituary. "Who?" Scully asks. They don't know. Scully is barely listening to them; she slips the toe-tag off the stiff and gives it a cursory once-over. "He was drunk, he crashed, he drowned," she says. Doggett thinks it's something more. Scully couldn't be any less interested. I think Doggett would have to dress up like a sandwich and do a soft-shoe on her skull to get her attention. Doggett's phone rings; it's Skinner. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks. "Excuse me?" Doggett spits. They are so going to break up. Skinner hisses that Doggett is totally screwing up! Doggett takes the phone over to the corner of the autopsy bay and squeals that he isn't screwing up and he can't believe how Skinner's been undermining him at work lately! Skinner tells him that everyone knows he checked a body out of the morgue in Maryland without jurisdiction! "Oh, come on," Doggett drawls. Skinner warns Doggett that he's losing whatever friends he had at the FBI: "Just watch your back, John. And bring home some milk. We're all out." They hang up. Doggett makes a face, and turns back to Scully, who might as well whip out a nail file and work on her manicure, so bored does she look. Doggett asks her how best to determine Iceman's cause of death. "A careful autopsy," Scully says. Moronica and Doggett both look at her. She tells them she's not interested in doing it. Moronica replies that she's the only one they trust! Scully just looks tired. She doesn't even bother to muster up an eyebrow. All I want is an eyebrow, Scully! One! Measly! Eyebrow!

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X-Files

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