X-Files

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Nothing Important Happened Today, Part I

Xena and Iceman hop into his convertible and go for a little drive. "Long way to go for a drink, huh? Do you like living out here?" Iceman asks. Xena just smiles inscrutably. Iceman, naturally, doesn't care if she wants to talk or not, since he's pretty sure he's going to get laid. "How much farther?" he asks. Xena murmurs that she lives just over the bridge. They race toward the bridge, which looks like part of the oil-rig set from last season. As they speed, the access gates to the bride begin to close, because the bridge is getting ready to do that lifty thing they do when a boat has to pass under. You know what I mean. I don't know from bridge lingo. Iceman tries to stop the car, but Xena puts her hand on his knee and she won't let him move his foot from the accelerator to the brake. In fact, she presses down on his knee, forcing him to speed up. "What the hell are you doing?" he yelps, as she leans over and grabs the steering wheel. Iceman screams that she's going to kill them! Kill them! They're going to die! Die! This prospect doesn't seem to bother Xena, who gaily crashes the car through the barrier and off the bridge into the water.

The car sinks down, down, down into the drink. Xena appears to be unconscious, but Iceman somehow manages to unhook his seat belt, and begins to swim toward the surface. Suddenly, Xena's eyes snap open and her hand darts out and grabs his ankle. He struggles against her grasp, but she's too strong. He drowns. That's what you get for going out for some air.

Credits. Ack! They're totally new! I mean, they're fancy and stuff, with a new font, and sassy updated photographs, but I'm very uncomfortable with change. Gillian Anderson now has the much deserved top billing. "Hey," says the Mulder action figure from his usual perch on my right knee. "Where the hell am I?" The Scully action figure and I look away discreetly. "What?" he asks, poking my inner thigh with a sharp plastic finger. "You're not on the show any more," I tell him. His little mouth falls open. The Scully reaches over and pats his knee.

Now we're getting the Previouslys? Whatever. Last season, on The X-Files: Noel Rrrrrooooooaoarrrrr told Doggett that the government was trying to create a "super-soldier," and they're using Scully's body to do it; pretty, pretty Krycek very solemnly told Scully that her baby was "a miracle"; Scully insisted that the baby was completely normal; Mulder made concerned faces; Skinner shot Krycek in the head; Skinner and Doggett got chased all around the parking lot by Agent Crane and Noel Rrrrrrooooaaaarrrr; Skinner and Doggett shared The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name; Moronica delivered Scully's baby out in the middle of nowhere whilst surrounded by alien replicants and Biblical imagery; Doggett launched an internal investigation of Kersh; finally, some tall guy kissed Scully and said something obtuse about the truth.

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X-Files

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