X-Files

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Nothing Important Happened Today, Part I

Moronica's place. It looks like a hotel room, actually. Which makes sense. She's also asleep. Her phone rings, and she very sleepily opens her eyes. Moronica slides over the empty bed and answers the phone. She's also naked. Oh, my bad: she's not. Black panties. You know, if you care. It's some guy on the other end of the line. "Brad!" Moronica says, her eyes opening real big. She makes some noise about how she wasn't asleep, and we cut to the other end of the line: it's Cary Elwes, who played Westley in The Princess Bride, and who has also appeared in other, less entertaining films. He's doing a horrible American accent. He doesn't sound American, exactly, but nor does he sound totally British. It's very strange. I have to say, most of his pronunciation is correct, but the rhythm of his speech is extremely British. I don't know. "You're in town?" he asks. Moronica bites her tongue and doesn't ask why he bothered to call her if he didn't know she was in town. He asks, if she's coming into "the Hoober [sic] Building," that she stop by his office. She agrees. Westley's looking forward to seeing her.

Back at the Doggett Homestead, the man himself makes a thermos of coffee while keeping half an eye on the morning news. The lead story involves Iceman's mysterious death. As the news anchor mentions that Iceman was an administrator at the EPA, Doggett flips off the television and heads to the office.

Over at FBI HQ, Westley's watching the same news item. Distracted by a noise outside his office, he opens the door and finds Moronica leaving him a note. She looks about a hundred times better than she did last season, by the way. Her hair? Very nice. She turns to find Westley looking at her ass, and sputters a whole load of excuses about his secretary, and not wanting to disturb him, and blah blah blah. He smiles at her. Speaking of hair, his appears to be made of plastic. He looks like nothing so much as a Ken doll. Say, "FBI Ken." Comes complete with tiny plastic briefcase and belted trench coat! Sensible rental car not included. He invites Moronica inside his office, and she agrees, and they go in, and he closes the door, and then he kisses her! Is that the new protocol at the FBI? Way to go. She backs out of the smooch and gives him a look. "What?" Westley asks. "We're at work," she points out. Westley grins. "You used to ask me to close the door when we were at work, back in New York." Moronica just smiles wanly and asks "if that's all" he called her in for. He grins. "I probably shouldn't tell you how hot you look, either, because you do," he says. Ew. Westley's skeezy. He's more like -- to borrow yet another Princess Brideism -- Dread Pirate Roberts. Except without the charm or the puffy shirt. Let's just call him Dread Pirate Brad. Since his character is named Brad, and all. "How long's it been?" he wonders. "Two years?" Moronica nods. "Yeah. We should catch up, Brad, really. I've got to get downstairs," she says. In other words: "Stop kissing me, Mr. Sexual Harassment Lawsuit in the Making." Brad sort of eyes her, and then says he's "got something for [her]." It's something she'll see eventually, but he wanted to give her the heads-up. Get your minds out of the gutter; it's the surveillance tapes from the parking lot the night of the big chase/crash/fireball. One tape shows her meeting Doggett. Moronica's all, duh. They're working on a case. "I heard. Believe me," Dread Pirate Brad says, leaning back in his chair. "This whole thing about a chase and a crash and a fire. And now Doggett's investigation of Deputy Director Kersh. It's big news." He stares at her. Moronica's all, whatever. "What's on the other tape?" she asks.

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