X-Files

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Jessica: C- | 1 USERS: A+
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Nothing Important Happened Today, Part I

Do you realize that it's been six months since the season finale of The X-Files aired? I don't even know if I remember who any of these people are.

Anyway. According to Standards and Practices, due to some violent content, parental discretion is advised. The only real violence I saw in this episode involved my eye and a sharp stick.

We open in a bar, which is fitting, since I suspect most loyal X-Philes are already tanked. A guy sits at said bar, gripping what looks like a scotch on the rocks. He reaches into the drink and removes the ice, tossing it onto the ground behind him. Classy. The time-date stamp -- time-date stamp! How I've missed you! -- informs us that this is Baltimore, Maryland, at 9:27 PM. The guy -- let's call him Iceman, because, you know, that thing with the ice just now -- chugs his drink and turns to ogle a woman walking into the bar. It's Lucy Lawless (a.k.a. Xena, Warrior Princess), dressed up in a super-sexy black halter dress. I want that dress. I could use it for my weekly trips to the liquor store. Maybe Rod, the guy who works the Sunday-morning shifts, would give me a deal on club soda, or throw a lime in for free, if I was wearing that dress. Xena looks way hotter in this get-up than she did in that unflattering leather kilt-thing she used to have to wear. She slides into a seat a few spots down from Iceman and orders a drink. Iceman continues the ogling, then takes his life in his hands and plops into the seat next to her. "Hi. How are you?" he asks. I have to say, as pick-up lines go, that's a pretty good one. I was at a local watering hole recently, and I fell into a conversation with a guy who was auditioning various pick-up lines on girls. The one he choose for me? "I love your handbag." And yet he was perplexed when I told him that I thought that was, uh, a little gay. Moving right along. Xena tells Iceman that she's "thirsty." He gestures to the bartender, and orders another drink. "No ice," he specifies. He turns to her and complains that the bartender gave him ice last time. Xena's all, what's wrong with ice? "It's the water, actually, in the ice," Iceman says, and informs her that he's a big ice expert. "Well, what's wrong with it?" Xena repeats, calmly. Iceman tells her it's "no big secret." Apparently, the ice contains a "government additive, called chloramine." Um, here's my question: how's the government adding chemicals to ice? Unless they're adding it to the tap water. In which case, why be so specific? Or are all those five-pound bags of ice you buy at the liquor store actually produced by the government? Ah, two minutes in, and already this makes no sense at all. Xena remarks that she heard said additive was good for you, like fluoride. "Well, that's what they say," Iceman tells her, then comments that he didn't sit down to scare her. "On the contrary," he purrs. Xena flutters her lashes and wonders if he'd like to get some air. In the X-Files universe, that's code for "have sex." I wonder how much air Mulder and Scully were getting?

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X-Files

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