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Jessica: D+ | Grade It Now!
Nothing Important Happened Today, Part II

Lab. Eggs. Commotion outside. Nordlinger goes out to investigate; Captain Turtleneck has a knife to the guard's throat. "I want every hard drive. All the data in the butcher shop you're running here," he says. More staring. Guess who's also in the hallway, eavesdropping? Immortal Nosey Britches Noel Rooaoaoar!

Car. Ship. Darkness. Piano. Moronica tells Doggett and Scully that they're supposed to meet the Captain at the phone booth on the dock at 1 AM. Good secret meeting place: right in front of the ship. Someone is at the booth already, but it's too dark to see who it is. Doggett calls to said shadowy figure, telling him to "hold up," but is ignored. "I said, hold up, there!" Doggett yells. The shadowy figure finally strolls into the light: it's Noel Roooooooooooar. Doggett draws his weapon and starts firing, even though he knows that he can't kill him like that, if not from what Xena told him, from their run-in in the parking lot last year! Er, I mean, "a week ago." Doggett yells at Moronica and Scully to run! And they do! Instead of staying behind for backup! Natch, the gun doesn't stop Noel. So Doggett and Noel fight. Well, Noel kicks Doggett's ass and throws him against a wall and starts cracking his head like a walnut. It's gross. Doggett's teeth are bleeding. I mean, it's not the Emmy-Award-Winning Skin Shower, or anything, but it sort of puts me off my feed. Just when it seems that Doggett's head is about to explode, Xena comes from out of nowhere and karate-chops Noel's head clean off. Doggett heaves. "You didn't trust me," Xena tells him. She helps him up, but as soon as Doggett is upright, Noel "Headless" Rooooaoaor shoves his hand through Xena's gut and throws her into the ocean. While he, the Headless Wonder, is still attached to her. Doggett makes a confused face. The rest of the viewing public switches over to Alias.

The three amigos board the ship. Don't ask me what Scully and Moronica were doing while Doggett was being killed, but they're back now. They walk around. Walking. Flashlight. Walking. Walking. If this were the musical episode I'm so jazzed about, they could stick a big, three-part showstopper here. Scully could sing about how alone and lost she feels without Mulder. Doggett could sing about how pissed Skinner is going to be when he finds out about Doggett's unauthorized trip to the boat. And Moronica could sing about being the fifth wheel. Except she would say "third wheel," to irritate Sars. The song would be called "Nobody Loves Me, Everybody Hates Me (Guess I'll Go Eat Worms)." More walking. He walks, she walks, they walk. If I could remember the Latin for "to walk," I'd conjugate that. Anyway, eventually they split up; Doggett runs off to get his head cracked again, and the ladies stick together because women are weak. I don't know what Doggett is finding, but the girls don't see a single person. "This can't be right," Scully says. "What happened to the captain?" Moronica asks. More looking. Looking. Walking. Finally, the girls find a severed head. "I think we found the Captain," Moronica tells Scully over her shoulder. I don't know how she knows it's the captain. It's not like the head is wearing a little hat, or anything.

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