Previously on The X-Files: Xena killed a couple of dudes; someone slipped Doggett and Moronica an obituary of one of the dead dudes; Doggett investigated Kersh for no reason that I can figure; Cary Elwes pretended to be an American; Noel Rooooooaaaar came back from the dead; Scully was elected Mayor of Denialsville; William moved his mobile with his mind; Doggett started to drown.
Maryland Water Reclamation Blah Blah Blah. Xena and her flesh-colored bathing suit drag Doggett down, down, down under the water. While Doggett screams soundlessly, Dread Pirate Brad wanders off to look for him elsewhere. Skinner follows, outwardly calm, but inwardly tormented by his lover's absence. Their secret love is very stressful! Hey, this scene is exactly what happened at the end of last week's episode! It's like on Passions, where they replay scenes over and over again, so non-regular viewers can catch up. This irritates me deeply now that I'm home all day, but when I start working again (on Monday! Yay!), I'm sure I'll be grateful for the fact that one day in the Passions universe equals six weeks in real time. Anyway. Doggett's all screaming underwater, and then he passes out and goes all green, like he's dead. Xena pulls him down to her level and smooches him. There's been more kissing in the last two episodes of The X-Files than there's been in the past eight years.
FBI Headquarters. 10:21 AM. Moronica enters Dread Pirate Brad's office. He's wrestling with a Rodent of Unusual Size. I wish. Actually, he's just sitting there, looking at her. Skinner's sitting in one of the chairs in front of him, a big old bruise on his forehead (which he didn't have last week, by the way). Moronica apologizes for her tardiness, and takes a seat. DPB leans back in his chair and announces that he'd like to "have a little chat" with her. Moronica tries not to roll her eyes. "Mistah Skinner here has been trying to help me put together the pieces of your X-Files investigation," DPB says. Skinner rolls his eyes. Also, which investigation? This EPA investigation? The Kersh investigation? Are they the same investigation? Because I get the impression that they are, and yet I really don't understand why. "Can we cut the crap, Brad?" Moronica asks. "I don't know, can we?" DPB responds. "There's a lot of crap to cut through." Skinner grits his teeth and advises Moronica to "zip it" and "try to cooperate." She looks at him like he just asked her to put on a sombrero and recite the Pledge of Allegiance in pig Latin. "Like it or not, I am now charged with the task of reining you in," DPB announces. Huh? Since when? Skinner is Moronica's and Doggett's boss. Isn't he? I know Kersh wanted DPB to reprimand Doggett, but he's not in charge of the X-Files now, is he? If he is, then what is Skinner supposed to do all day? Maybe he can be Doggett's househusband. He can go over to the Mulder/Scully household and watch Oprah with Mulder, and then accompany Mulder on the many errands that he is constantly running, all of which keep him out of camera range at all times. They can go to the liquor store and stock up on cases of beer, because Scully's been drinking herself into a semi-comatose stupor ever since Mulder kissed her. Why? Because she's so happy.