X-Files

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Nothing Important Happened Today, Part II

Moronica wants to know what she and Doggett are doing that requires reining-in. "Unauthorized autopsies, breaking and entering a state water facility, willful misuse of your positions," DPB lists. "I really don't want to go into this without my partner here," Moronica Scullys. Brad smirks that Doggett is "nowhere to be found." And he's giving Moronica and Skinner the opportunity to "put a decent spin" on the "mess" Doggett has made in his absence. What mess? How could any of this be any messier than anything Mulder has done? Oh, whatever. Whatever. Skinner tells Moronica that if she's not going to "zip it," then she needs to realize that DPB is the only person who can help them. He's like the Obi-Wan Kenobi of the FBI. I have no idea why...Skinner...Brad...whatever. Moronica tells DPB that she and Doggett were given a tip that they believe leads to a "larger conspiracy." DPB smirks. "A conspiracy? Involving FBI?" he asks. Uh, DUH. Moronica squeals that she and Doggett are "running a legitimate investigation into the FBI." Yeah, except for that whole part where that's NOT THEIR JOB! That's the job of the Office of Professional Review! Or Internal Affairs! Their job is to investigate unexplained phenomena! Like the aliens that are supposed to be taking over the earth. Am I the only person who remembers that? Sweet Holy GOD! DPB says something to the effect that Moronica needs to stop chasing conspiracies. She asks how he knows there aren't any -- my God, I've seen this scene a hundred times before! He's off investigating something he's not supposed to be investigating, she gets called up on the carpet and purses her lips and denies knowing where he is, they end up both getting abducted by aliens and probed inappropriately and then they have a baby, the end! "This witch hunt isn't going to expose anyone but you," DPB says. "That is, unless you distance yourself from Agent Mulder...I mean, 'John Doggett.'" Skinner stares at his loafers in unexpressed anguish. Moronica gets up and walks to the door. "What are you doing?" DPB asks. "I'm distancing myself, Brad. From you. From your political games. You just want to get John Doggett," Moronica tells him. "You're making a big mistake here," DPB smirks. "Yeah, I seem to make one every time I walk in your door," Moronica says, and leaves.

It's time for the Naked Doggett portion of the show! Why didn't they ever resort to T&A when Duchovny was still around? Oh, right: because the writing was good back then. Poor Robert Patrick. It's like he's just a piece of meat. Anyway, the piece of meat wakes up with a start and coughs violently, like he has something stuck in his throat. Xena's tongue, maybe? Speaking of Xena, she comes strolling into Doggett's bedroom in a t-shirt and jeans and wet hair. "Lay back John, it's okay," she tells Doggett, who's still coughing up a lung. "It's Shannon. Shannon McMahon. We were together in Bravo Company, USMC." Doggett manages to ask her what she's doing in his bedroom before he starts coughing again. Xena tells him that his lungs are full of water, which seems to jog his memory of the entire drowning/kissing thing. Xena announces that she did what she "had to do" to keep DBP and His Posse from "catching [her] and finding out." Doggett shakes his head. "What are you?" he asks. "I'm a princess," she says. "A warrior princess." Nah. Actually, she pulls out that old "you know what I am" shtick, and tells Doggett that she's "the product of fifty years of military science, the program [his] old friend Noel Rooooaoaoaoaor told [him] about." Doggett just looks at her as she perches on the edge of his bed. "I'm a bio-engineered combat unit," Xena continues. "I have no weaknesses. I don't sleep. I can breath underwater. It's how I saved your life, John." Wow, if I didn't have to sleep and could breath underwater...well, I guess I'd do a lot of swimming. But wait a second: how did Xena know what Noel Rooooaoaoaor told Doggett? We'll never know. Anyway, she tells him that she and Noel Roooaaaaaar were "drafted together," right out of Bravo Company. "We were Adam and Eve. The program's first. There are many more now." Um, except for the part where they're not "Adam and Eve." I get the metaphor, but if I were writing for The X-Files today, I wouldn't use any phraseology that might remind viewers of The Good Old Days. Speaking of, whatever happened to all those clones? I don't mean the Eves from "Eve," I mean the Samantha clones. With the bees? Whatever happened with the bees? And the bio-genetically altered corn oil? Did America's love affair with olive oil render the corn oil plan unsuccessful, and that's why we're moving into fiddling with the water supply? Whoops, we aren't supposed to know that yet. Forget what I just said.

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