X-Files

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Nothing Important Happened Today, Part II

Anyway, Doggett tells Xena that Noel is dead. "You can't kill us. We can't be killed," Xena tells him. "I hate what I am," she finishes. Call me crazy, but that seems like a weakness to me. If she truly had no weaknesses, she wouldn't even be capable of that kind of emotion. Grappling with morals and whatnot might get in the way of all that super-solider action, I mean. Blah blah blah, the program is expanding in ways no one ever dreamed of, yada yada, Xena wants Doggett to help her "stop it." She wants him to expose the deaths of the men she killed and what they were doing. "What were they doing?" Doggett asks. "Preparing the water supply," Xena tells him. Well, naturally. Please, let's throw something else into the mix here. Clones, alien replicants, alien bounty hunters, gray aliens, green aliens, the Syndicate, the bees, the black oil, the black oil worms, the alien babies in jars, abductions, mysterious cancers, people being brought back from the dead, impossible pregnancies, giant spaceships covered in Navajo writing, super-soldiers. Yes, let's add something else to that list! Water! Screwed-up water! I wonder what else we'll get before the end of the season? Unstoppable flying monkeys, designed to transport mutated ova from lab to lab? Genetically-altered cheeseburgers, designed to transform the meat-eaters of the world into an army of brain-dead drones, leaving the vegetarians to rule the planet? What?

Port of Baltimore. 9:17 PM. Captain Turtleneck and Pierre, the First Mate, argue. Captain Turtleneck wants to disembark. Pierre tells him that he can't leave the ship; it's too suspicious. "We can't risk waiting," Captain Turtleneck grits. "We can't risk not making contact now. I'll be back!" He stomps out of the cabin. Mark Snow cues up the Dramatic Music of the Misplaced Handbag and recognizes immediately that he meant to hit the button for the Thrilling Strings of Nautical Mishaps. Then he realizes that no one will notice the difference and goes out for a genetically-altered cheeseburger.

Mulder/Scully House of Pain. Scully -- or this creature people are calling Scully, because I suspect the real Scully has gone on the lam with Mulder -- puts William down in his bassinet. I don't know why he's not sleeping in her bedroom anymore, but maybe she just rolls him from room to room, so she can watch him and be paralyzed with fear at all times. There's a knock at the door. Scully looks up, terror in her eyes. Dude, Scully, pull on your gun, or something. It's the Skinman, who whispers that he's sorry to come over so late. She whispers that she just put the baby down for the night. She's got a new robe. It's very pretty; all fuzzy and caramel-colored. Skinner comes inside and explains that he couldn't talk about this on the phone. "What is it?" Scully breathes. Okay, I'm sorry. I've been holding this in all week, and I have to let it out. What is wrong with Scully? What happened to her? Could we please go back to the kick-ass, straight-shooting, science-loving, eyebrow-raising, clever, resourceful Scully of Seasons One through Seven? Please? Even Season Eight Scully got off some decent disgusted glances. This Scully is like a totally new character. It's really kind of upsetting. Anyway.

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X-Files

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