Episode Report Card
Jessica: D | Grade It Now!
Bats are not your friends

Whatever. Doggett wonders where his desk is going to be. Scully raises her eyebrow and reminds Doggett that they're just temporary residents down in the basement. "This is my partner's office," she says, taking the "Fox Mulder" nameplate and placing it back on the desk with an authoritative thunk. Do you think she's having problems accepting Doggett as her partner? Do you think there's a parallel to the way Mulder felt about her during the early stages of their relationship? Do you think anybody gives a hot damn anymore? Do you think if I start drinking, this will get better?

Scully informs Doggett that they've got a case: two murders, in Idaho. Cue the Obligatory Slide Show and Exposition portion of the show. Naturally, in true The X-Files fashion, the slides in this slide show are gory, off-putting, and extremely bloody. Luckily, the booze has already begun to dull my gag reflex. If you don't think that used to come in handy at frat parties...forget I mentioned that. Moving on...Scully informs Doggett that the male victim had two of his fingers chewed off in the attack. "By an animal?" asks Doggett. No, by a psychotic pencil sharpener! Tonight, on FOX: When Office Supplies Attack! Scully tells her doubtful partner that the bites on the woman "appear to be human." Doggett makes sure that everyone watching The X-Files knows for absolute CERTAIN that he's "seen some wild stuff in [his] time," but admits that the slides are "extreme." Scully tells him that, according to local PD, there is no apparent motive, and that these murders don't fit into any known cult or serial killer MO. Doggett admits that he's at a bit of a loss. Scully snarks that's "a good place to start."

Out of the basement and off to Idaho! Land of the corn. Or the wheat. Whatever. Potatoes? Anyway, Scully and Doggett arrive at the crime scene at 11:18 am, and are greeted by "Gale Abbott," the county sheriff, and a big, burly man who immediately starts directing all his commentary to Doggett and ignoring the purty l'il lady. Scully tries unsuccessfully to establish her authority by informing Sheriff Sexist that "their unit" has seen many bizarre and unusual cases, and while Agent Doggett has just been assigned to the X-files, she's plenty experienced. In fact, she's seen a lot of crazy stuff, in her day. Lots of kee-razy stuff.

Sexist rolls his eyes and tells Scully and Doggett that he's not so sure they even need to be there, because he's beginning to think that the victims were killed by an animal after all. He points out a print on the porch, which he claims is "not human," although he pronounces it YOU-man, rather than HUE-man, which reminds me of this crazy English professor I had in college who had the same tick, but who also pronounced "herbs" as "HHHHHHHHerbs." The quarter after I had her, she gave an entire class Ds and told them they disgusted her, as writers and as people, and then she had to go on a vacation for a long, long time.

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