X-Files

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That's No Alien, That's My Baby!

Previously on The X-Files: Scully was abducted by aliens. Twice! They did all kinds of weird and unpleasant things to her, which rendered her barren, and gave her the cancer, and then, while she was dying in the hospital, Mulder snuck into this super-secret part of the CIA and found all these file cabinets and in one of the cabinets were Scully's ova, neatly packed away, and he stole them, but now he's gone and she's pregnant, and it's all a great big mystery!

And on to the episode that will answer all our questions. Or not. Megan Follows -- best known (to me, certainly, and, I suppose, to at least most women roughly my age) as Anne of Anne of Green Gables, and who appeared as a lesbian on ER just last week -- is in the midst of having a baby. Her husband exhorts her to breathe. Anne doesn't chuck the fetal monitor at him and ask him what the hell he thinks she's doing, like I would; she just huffs and puffs obligingly. A medical professional of some sort -- I don't know if she's a doctor or a nurse -- glides into the delivery room and checks Anne's dilation. I don't know how I feel, watching some stranger stick her hand up Anne Shirley's hoo hoo. It's rather disconcerting, to say the least. Mid-hoo, the fetal monitor starts bleeping madly. Anne's very frightened, as another doctor scampers in, putting on his surgical mask. Poor Anne! Where's Gilbert now that she needs him? The doctors begin to prep her for an emergency C-section, and Anne's husband leaves to go scrub in. As soon as he's out the door, Female Doctor locks the door behind him. Um, okay -- what kind of hospital has locking doors on its delivery rooms? Again, does NO ONE watch ER? Once a doctor has scrubbed in, he or she needs to be able to enter the room without using his or her hands, which is why the doors have no handles and are all swingy. Also, because the swinging doors are dramatic. Beware of hospitals with locking doors, people. The doctors there will steal your alien baby. Oops, did I give that away? The doctors exchange Evil Glances of Great Evilness, as Anne moans on the table. Anne! The Evil Male Doctor begins to cut open her belly. I'd like to thank the foley guys for making sure that the sound of tearing flesh features prominently on the soundtrack at this point. Thanks, guys! Anne's still freaking out, so they give her more drugs. She falls back and watches hazily as the Evil Male Doctor lifts the baby out of her body. "Is he all right? Is my baby all right?" Anne asks, frantically. Evil Male Doctor gestures and his henchmen up her meds, so she loses consciousness. Evil Male Doctor holds up the baby, which is, er, meowing. Like a cat. He leans over the infant to cut the umbilical cord. The child is tiny, and perfect -- a green little alien baby. Okay, I thought I'd read all of the Anne books, but I guess I missed the one where she was abducted by aliens and forced to bear their demon spawn.

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X-Files

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