Episode Report Card
Jessica: B | Grade It Now!
That's No Alien, That's My Baby!

Credits. They're creditastic! Except for the enthusiastic "-tastic" suffix.

Cut to a shot of a still photograph from an ultrasound. The Violins of Scully's Extremely Mysterious Pregnancy swell in the background, as the camera pans out to show Dana "I'm a Medical Doctor, too? Are you sure?" Scully examining the photograph. The Ohhhhhhh Eehhhhh AHHHHHHHHHH music from the season premiere kicks it into high gear again. Welcome back, Ohhhhh Eeeehhh AHHHH, I've missed your melodic wailing. Scully looks plaintively at the photograph, then at herself in the mirror. She touches her belly. Apprehension, happiness, fear, loneliness, and, finally, terrible sadness fly across her face. Tears well in her eyes. She stares at herself for a moment and manages, somehow, to get a grip. Barely. Weakened by how great Gillian Anderson's acting is in this scene, I give the Scully action figure next to me a little hug.

Scully enters the Lush Basement Office to find Doggett chewing the fat with Anne's husband, whom he introduces as Duffy Haskill. That's an unfortunate name. From Gilbert Blythe to Duffy Haskill? Anne's trading down, yo. Doggett tells Scully that Haskill knows her, having contacted her eight years ago about his wife, who is also an abducteee. Scully says something about that being before her time, which I don't quite catch because I'm staring at her hair. It looks GREAT. I think the hair dresser on set feels bad that Gillian Anderson is still stuck on this crap-ass show, and while she curls Gillian's hair, and Gillian dabs at her eyes with a Kleenex and looks at her pages for the day and cries because the kick-ass character she created has become a fucking wreck who's constantly being punished, soothingly croons that she needs to stop crying because it will ruin her make up, and then Gillian sniffs and stares at herself in the mirror and wonders aloud why she didn't leave when David did and the hair dresser just hands her a cup of chamomile tea and promises that no matter how crappy Scully's life gets, her hair will only get better. Doggett solemnly announces that Haskill's wife is dead. Hold the presses. You've done a lot of bad, bad things, Chris Carter, but now you've gone and murdered Anne Shirley? You are dead to me. "They killed her," Haskill tells Scully mournfully. Doggett exposits that Haskill wrote letters to Mulder about Anne's "[awkward pause] abduction experience." Haskill blusters that Anne gave birth to an alien. Thinking about her own alien bundle of joy, Scully is a little slow on the uptake. "I thought your wife was murdered," she says. "That's why they killed her," Haskill explains. Doggett makes his "y'all are whack, yo," face, as Scully sinks into Mulder's chair. "Oooooookay," she says, like this is the craziest thing she's ever heard, which is nuts, because after eight years I think she'd have her feet on the desk, doing her nails and nodding while Haskill spun his tale, so not surprised she ought to be.

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