Previously on The X-Files: I don't even know anymore. Whatever. Stuff.
Okay, so this show has really gotten enormously weird. Because now, they're all on this other planet? And Ewan McGregor is there, but he's got a really unfortunate mullet? And there's a war? And there are clones involved somehow, although they really don't look like Samantha, and Chris Carter really needs to lay off the weed because now Yoda is there and...oh. That was the Star Wars preview. Never mind.
Okay, The X-Files opens in the desert. With a voice-over. Of course. "The Bible says God appeared to Moses in a burning bush," the voice-over begins. It's some strange man talking. "He came to Jesus on the mountain top. For Buddha, God came while he sat under a tree. God came to me in a vision in the desert. February 26, 1991." Pan to a whole bunch of soldiers, hunkered down in a bunker and shooting at stuff. According to the time/date stamp, this is Makhafar Al Busayyahm, Iraq, Operation Desert Storm. Oh, man, you guys! I'm sorry. This is another commercial! Must be Black Hawk Down. I love me some Josh Hartnett, but what is up with his hair in that new I Gave Up Sex For Lent movie? His head looks all pointy and...okay, maybe this isn't a commercial, because it's still going. Who are these people? What show is this? My head...my God, my head. Anyway. Guys are shooting at other guys. One of the guys is hit, and he falls to the dirt, grasping the bloody hole in his side. Some other guy tries to...oh, screw it. I'm not going to describe this entire bit. Just insert a scene from Platoon, set it in the desert instead of Vietnam, and push play. "On this day, I had a terrible sense of foreboding," Voice-Over Guy says. "I saw the future of these brave men. And they were about to die." Voice-Over Guy -- I think it's Ross the Wack UFO Cult Leader/Archeologist -- looks up just in time to see a bomb hit their structure. Things burst into flames and then disintegrate into rubble. He lies on his back on the ground, covered in dust. "Death came to take my men," he says, "but not me." He looks up at the horizon. "I was left as witness to a vision. Angels. From heaven." Four men run towards him. Ross's tears have run through the dust on his face, making it look as though he's crying tears of blood. It is a rather arresting visual. I'll give The X-Files this: no matter how crappy the stories become, the show's production values have only increased. Anyway, these four guys basically take out the Iraqis. "Behold," Ross intones. "A whirlwind came out of the north. And a brightness was about it. And out of the mist came the likeness of four living creatures. And they had the likeness of a man." This voice-over has the likeness of crap. The four WhateverTheyAres run over to Ross and away, away, into the light. "I knew why my life had been spared," Ross says. "I was to deliver the message of these angels. Of these sons of God. To deliver the message of the God who came before all other Gods." The camera pulls from Ross's face to reveal him standing on top of the Crazy Canadian Spaceship.