X-Files

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Jessica: B | Grade It Now!
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Providence (2)

Credits.

So, here's my question. How did Ross know to go look for this Canadian spaceship? Why didn't he assume that these angels were sent by whichever God he already believed in? How did he make the jump from "God saved me" -- a fairly reasonable assumption from a religious person -- to "those human-looking dudes are actually aliens from outer space who have been living on Earth since the beginning of time and they want me to unearth a Canadian spacecraft with Navajo writing all over it."? I mean, honestly. It's not like they left him a helpful little note. But fine.

Anyway. Back to Washington. Someone is projecting slides of William on the wall of the debriefing room, as Dread Pirate Brad tells a room full of Feds all about the kidnapping case. Not mentioning the whole alien aspect of it, of course. When DPB mentions that William NoLastName was in the custody of "three men," the camera cuts to the Lone Gunmen, bruised and bloody, but not dead (thank God). How did they get away from Overcoat Woman? I guess they just handed over the kid. Scully really needs to stop leaving William with anyone. I mean it; get a Snugli, strap him to your chest, and take him everywhere with you, Dana. You're never too young to start learning how to make a neat Y-incision.

Elsewhere, the Lone Gunmen are looking at mug shots (which are being supplied by Toothpick-Chewing Man). Eventually, they come across a picture of Overcoat Woman, and nod in unison, identifying her.

Back in the DPB's Big Boy Debriefing Room, the former Farmboy explains that Doggett is still in a coma. Cut to Skinner looking devastated. Dude, I am so taking that as a shout-out. I know -- I'm grasping at straws. But I'm taking what I can get on this show, even though what I really want is for them to, like, name someone after me and then kill her off. Come on, how sweet would that be? I could be, like, Jessica Morgan, Bendy-Straw Chewing Girl, the most evil copywriter in the history of the FBI. Scully leans against the wall in the back of the room and looks crabby, like she got to the meeting late and someone had already eaten all the good donuts, leaving, like, a cinnamon crumble and a strawberry frosted. DPB explains that Buck is in critical condition, but conveniently recuperating in the same hospital in which Doggett is wasting away. DPB yammers and yammers as Skinner watches Scully. Eventually, she heaves an irritated sigh, turns on her heel, and stalks out of the room, just as DPB is telling the assembled that there's no reason to believe that they won't get William back all safe and sound. "No one will end up safe and sound on this show," the Mulder action figure mutters. "No one associated with this show ends up safe and sound! Look at this note! Scully didn't write this note! Even plastic figurines end up screwed! And you! You're losing your mind, recapping this show! What has The X-Files done to us?" And then he storms into the shoebox he's transformed into an office and slams the lid.

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X-Files

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