X-Files

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Jessica: B | 1 USERS: A+
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Back to the Future. Or Whatever.

As Martin crosses the yard, a big Hell's Angels-y dude shoves him into a quiet prison-yard game of dominos. Dominos fly everywhere. "Pick 'em up, you stumbling bitch," drawls Domino Player #1. Martin looks shell-shocked, but obeys reluctantly. When he looks up from his task, Edward James NotOlmos, who has a big-ass tattoo of a spider's web on the front of his hand, decks him. With a shiv. Martin squeals and falls to the ground. And there's the nasty cut on the face, people. Get it? With the time, moving backwards, and first he had it, and then he -- get it? And then Elaine gets drunk, and tells Jerry that she slept with Sue Ellen Mishke's -- oh, sorry. Wrong show. My bad. Moving on. Can I also just take this moment to state for the record that I've learned one thing from TV, if I've learned anything: that I never, ever want to go to prison. I'm a delicate flower, people. All the shivs and the anal rape -- it's too much for me. Just too much.

Back in his cell, Martin girlishly examines his wound. Enter Doggett. "Ah, geez, Martin," he monotones. "Your face." Martin's all like, duh. And Doggett is all, dude. And Martin is all, like, I KNOW. Scully creeps into the cell behind Doggett. As Martin shakes her hand, he's all like, Scully, I totally want to talk to you! And Scully is all, it is, like, so totally nice to meet you, Martin, but it totally sucks that you are, like, in prison! And Martin is all, whoa, this must be the day we met. And Scully and Doggett are all like, dude, you are tripping! And Martin, like, sighs and shit, and is all, something really weird is happening to me. It's like, I don't know, time is like, going backwards, you know! Like, when I wake up in the morning, it's, like, the day before, and, like, I can only remember what happened the following day, dude! And Doggett is all, Scully, dude, check for head wounds. And Martin is all, dude, I KNOW. But it's true. Doggett purses his lips. Martin tells the tale of the facial wound and the spider as proof of the fact that, you know, time is all moving backwards and shit. Scully is like, you mean, you don't remember the day your poor dead wife was murdered, and Martin is like, totally, because, "for me it hasn't happened yet." Scully is all, dude, you totally can't prove this in court, and tomorrow, like, we totally will not even have had this conversation. "Oh, for crying out loud," Doggett mutters. Scully like totally gives him a dirty look and then she's all, dude, we're going to have to have this meeting all over again. Doggett stomps out of the cell in a total huff. "Yeah, make sure I miss that freaking meeting," he tosses back over his shoulder. Dude. Scully is all, like, whatever, I have totally seen things that cannot be explained by science, so, shut UP. And she asks Martin why he thinks the whole moving backwards in time thing is happening and he totally thinks it's because there is something he's meant to understand, but he doesn't know what that could be. "Maybe you already have the answer within you," Scully Mulders. We all know she totally already does, in the form of her mysterious illegitimate alien/human hybrid child.

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X-Files

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