Episode Report Card
Jessica: D+ | 1 USERS: B
Scary Monsters


Quantico. Students chase Scully down the hallway, shouting questions ("What the hell happened to Marita Covawhateverhername is?" "Is that guy with the accent still growing corn in Tunisia?" "What is the deal with the bees? The bees, Agent Scully!"). Scully wearily tells them that she's not taking any questions until after lunch, and finally escapes into her office.

Scully scampers inside (not closing the door entirely) and takes her lunch out of a Tupperware container. She's about to bite into her sandwich when Leyla Harrison (the blonde Kewpie-doll FBI accountant who partnered with Doggett for one episode last season -- remember her?) skitters inside. Scully makes a surprised face and exchanges brief pleasantries, clearly longing to eat her lunch. When it becomes clear that Leyla didn't just drop in to get the name of Scully's hairdresser, Scully asks if Leyla minds if they talk while Scully eats. "No problem," Leyla chirps, taking a manila folder out of her bag and opening it to a gory photograph of a disemboweled woman. Scully stops short of taking a big bite of her sandwich, disgusted. Oh, please. This is the woman who ordered a pizza because she autopsied a guy who'd eaten one for dinner. She's not that squeamish. "It's an X-File!" Leyla chirps. I don't know why Scully doesn't just remind Leyla that she's not even on the X-Files anymore, but she doesn't. Scully asks where Leyla happened across this alleged X-File. Leyla yammers and chatters, and finally reveals that she heard about it from "a really nice" secretary in the Baltimore field office. The victim is the nice secretary's dead daughter.

Leyla takes a picture of Evil, Evil Tommy out of her Folder of Truth and tosses it under Scully's nose. He's Disemboweled Appetite-Killing Lady's son. "Tommy told [his grandmother] that monsters killed his mother, and his father knows all about it," Leyla confides, then passes Scully DAKL's autopsy. Scully glances at it and has to put down her uneaten sandwich. Again. "The coroner concluded that she stabbed herself," Scully reads, then informs Leyla that she sees no reason to disagree with the ME. Leyla sputters that DAKL stabbed herself sixteen times. Scully shrugs that that's "unusual," but that she's "seen it before." Well, she's also seen the aftermath of a genie who killed people by crawling out of their butts. I don't know if that makes it, you know, usual. Leyla twitters that Tommy's dad took the kid all the way to a mountain in the middle of nowhere, where they don't even have a phone! "Tommy's own grandmother isn't even allowed to see him anymore," she says, sticking her lower lip way, way out. Scully sighs that, unless Leyla has additional (better) evidence, she doesn't think they have a case. Also, she doesn't care. "Maybe you haven't heard," she eyebrows, "but since Mulder ran out to Blockbuster to return our overdue copy of Dude, Where's My Car? six months ago, I've been raising a child alone! I really don't have time to run all over creation looking for Man Bats or shape-shifting Alien Bounty Hunters anymore, thank you very much." Not really. Instead, Leyla looks thoughtful, then tells Scully that "Tommy said the same monster who killed his mother also killed Spanky, his pet cat." Scully wearily raises one anemic brow. "Unless you bring me Spanky, there's nothing I can do," she says sarcastically, and brings her sandwich to her mouth a third time. A bell rings. I really doubt Quantico has bells. Scully looks, irritated, at her virgin lunch. She stands. "Apple and tuna salad?" she asks, handing Leyla the wax paper package, and leaving in a huff. Leyla looks at the sandwich and takes a big fat bite. Okay, not really. But that would have been amusing.

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