Episode Report Card
Jessica: D+ | 1 USERS: B
Scary Monsters

Scully's House of Whores that Became a House of Horrors, Except for the Whores Part. She races quietly out of the Prince of Peace's room to answer the phone. It's Moronica. "I wanted to get your opinion on an autopsy finding," Moronica says. Whatever happened to pleasantries with these people? No "Hi Dana! How's the kid? Break anything with his mind lately?" Or "Hey, Scully. Mulder back from the Dairy Queen yet? Too bad." Instead, she just launches into "gimme, gimme, gimme." And what does Scully get in return? Nothing! Moronica and Doggett are in the car. "It's pretty unusual," Moronica says. "A woman stabbed herself sixteen times." Scully rolls her eyes and asks if Moronica's been talking to Leyla Harrison. Moronica shoots Leyla (in the back seat) a dirty look. Leyla bats her lashes. Moronica tells Scully that she, Doggett, and Leyla are on their way to Pennsylvania. "What do you mean, there's no case?" Moronica asks. Leyla looks at her lap. "All right, thanks," Moronica says, and hangs up. Doggett looks pissed and flips a bitch with a squeal of the brakes. "Agent Doggett! We're almost there!" Leyla pipes up. "This is how you spend your Friday night, John," Doggett mutters to himself. "Running around like an idiot. I could be home with Walter watching NASCAR on the TiVo, but no. I'm out here in the middle of nowhere with two of the most addle-brained women in the FBI, instead of at home with my hard-body boyfriend. Never. Again." Leyla squeals that a little boy may be in danger. "Even if this isn't an X-File, which is it is, what would it hurt to keep going? If Agent Mulder were here, he'd keep going." Doggett and Moronica exchange looks; then Doggett pulls the Sensible Rental Car around again and heads back toward the Evil Mountain Town.

Soon enough, the car rattles into the snow-covered driveway of the House of Evil Tommy and His Hapless Pa. Hapless Pa is very busy, burying something in the back yard. Doggett, Moronica, and Leyla spill out of their sedan and approach the yard. Moronica does the introductions, and tells Jeffrey that his mother-in-law is worried about Tommy. "Tommy is fine," Jeffrey grouses. Doggett notices blood on Jeffrey's hand, and asks about it. "I cut myself on a piece of broken glass," Jeffrey offers. Moronica asks if they can talk to Tommy; Jeffrey tells them he's asleep. You know who else is asleep? Me, because this scene is so mind-numbingly boring. Doggett thinks it's a bit too early for aEtjbTuo#9EAJG?E. Sorry. I think passed out from boredom, there. Um...okay. What happened here, while I was drooling on my laptop? I guess Doggett and Company told Jeffrey that his mother-in-law sent them all up there to check on the brat, and they're not leaving until they do it. Also, something about monsters. I think. Then Jeffrey goes inside and slams the door on them, and Doggett and Moronica head for the car. See, all caught up! I barely need to be conscious to recap this train wreck anymore. Leyla plaintively apologizes for "ruining [their] evening," and thanks them "in advance" for "not yelling." "Something's going on here," Doggett announces. He points out that Jeffrey had dirt on his hands and knees, and it's surely too cold and dark for gardening. Yeah, he couldn't have, like, dropped a potted plant or been out at the compost pile. He must have been burying a body under the peonies! Anyway, based on this excellent evidence, Doggett thinks they can convince a judge to give them a warrant. I can see it now: "Your honor, he had dirt on his hands! And his kid thinks a monster killed his cat!" That's totally going to fly.

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