X-Files

Episode Report Card
Jessica: D+ | 1 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
Scary Monsters

Mountains. Moronica is unable to get reception on her cell phone. And their car's engine is shot. So, they're stuck. Overnight. In that house with that evil ajkliuyt0ureh84o. Sorry, I must have fallen asleep again. Or passed out from all the drinking. At any rate, I've got an "M"-shaped face crease from collapsing on my keyboard. Um. Okay. So, Doggett and Moronica and Leyla are in Jeffrey and Evil Tommy's house, and Leyla is yammering that this case reminds her of a case Mulder and Scully once worked. "A teenager was struck by lightning and his body affected the electrical working of everything around him," she says. Was that the one with Giovanni Ribisi and Jack Black? I liked that one. "Agent Mulder wasted no time closing that case," Leyla says. "Word!" the Mulder action figure yells from behind his little desk (an empty carton of heavy cream). "I just try to think like him." Leyla continues. "What would Mulder and Scully do if they were in this situation?" Doggett rolls his eyes. "Agents Mulder and Scully aren't in this situation," he grits. "Agent Doggett and Reyes are. And I don't know about Agent Reyes, but Agent Doggett is going to sit his tired ass down." He sinks into the sofa. "What kind of course of action is that?" Leyla asks. "What the hell do you know? You're an accountant!" Doggett responds. Not really. And save the hate mail, accountants; my Dad's a CPA. I have nothing but respect for people who crunch the numbers and do my taxes for free (thanks, Daddy!). Actually, Doggett just points out that, as long as they're in the house, Tommy's safe from his Big Bad Dad. At this, natch, Tommy starts screaming. Doggett races up the stairs, finding Jeffrey holding Tommy's door shut. Furious, he rips Jeffrey off the doorknob and throws him against the wall. Moronica races to comfort the still-yelping Tommy. Doggett follows her into the kid's room, where they find these very cheesy-looking CGI bugs (they're like the love child -- never meant to be! -- of silverfish and cockroaches) all over the floor. Doggett shoots at the bugs, but they simply regenerate. Finally, they skitter away under the baseboards. Everyone looks grossed out.

Tommy sits at his desk and draws pretty pictures. Moronica and Doggett confab. "How's he doing?" Doggett asks. "He's a hell of a lot calmer than I'd be," Moronica says. That's because he's evil. Capital E, capital VIL. "Whatever those things were, they're gone," Doggett says. He has no idea where the hell they went, though. Then he goes and sits with Tommy, complimenting his artwork. Tommy responds noncommittally. Moronica makes her maternal face and tells Tommy to tell Doggett what he told her. "Those are the monsters that hurt my mom," Tommy shares. "But my dad says I'm not supposed to talk about it." Cue the Sad Oboe of Evil Kids With Dead, Dead Moms.

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X-Files

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