X-Files

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Bor-Ring!

Worcester, Massachusetts. 8:34 PM. Dark, deserted street. Rainy. Bleak. Typical. Man in hysterics on pay phone. Panting. Leaving hysterical message, the upshot of which is "that hysterical bitch is a liar! Check her desk drawer for proof! Call it off! Pant! Pant! Sobbing moan!" A shadowy figure lurks around the corner. Catching sight of it out of the corner of his eye, MIHOPP gulps, drops the phone, and books down the street. Shadowy figure slides around the corner and stares after MIHOPP. He looks just like an older, deranged Riley Finn, from Buffy. Like, exactly like. Creepy, exactly like. Deranged Riley stares menacingly. Chris Carter looks up from his copy of The Call Is Coming From Inside The House II: More Clichés For One-Trick Ponies, as MIHOPP, of course, trips, falls down, sobs and looks fearfully over his shoulder. Yawn. He looks up to notice that, conveniently, he's fallen right in front of the police station. He scampers over and bursts inside, calling for help, and hysterically informing the tragically bored police officers that someone's trying to kill him -- someone right outside! Gulp! He tries to grab one of the officer's guns, extremely dramatically screaming, "He's going to kill me!" The scenery cowers in fear. The cops toss him nonchalantly into the drunk tank. He moans. Already, I am SO BORED.

Inside the drunk tank, MIHOPP looks around, tears still streaming dramatically down his face. He slaps the little observation window thingie, yelling to the cop on duty that he's not safe in there, that "it isn't enough!" The cop yawns and stuffs a jelly-filled into his yaw. He tells MIHOPP to relax. MIHOPP squeals, "He can get me in here!" Dude, it's called Xanax. Ask your doctor. The other cop calmly remarks that he's going to call for a Psych consult. Word, dude. "He can get to me!" MIHOPP yells. The cop rolls his eyes. And then MIHOPP's head explodes and blood goes all over the observation window and his head slides all the way down the glass. The cop looks vaguely surprised and licks his fingers.

Credits. What else can I say about the credits? Other than the fact that I have no idea why they've been changed, unless the Powers That Be wanted to make sure that absolutely EVERYTHING sucks this season.

Worcester, Mass. 7:08 AM. Scully -- whose hair looks fantastic, by the way -- examines a head x-ray. Presumably that of MIHOPP. Her brilliant diagnosis is that MIHOPP was shot in the head. Thanks for that -- this is the woman who was translating Greek off the cuff and identifying ancient heretical documents in last week's rerun from last season? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Doggett ambles into the room in that ambling manly-man way he has, wondering why, exactly, MIHOPP took a bullet to the skull. They stare at the blood on the wall as Doggett exposits that MIHOPP was one Carlton Chase, age thirty-nine, a well-to-do realtor, single, and a Worcester native who enjoyed long walks on the beach, piña coladas, and snuggling by the fireplace. They talk some more about other stuff, but I'm not listening because I'm admiring Scully's flattering green turtleneck. She's so pretty. I'm so bored. The agents look around the drunk tank, blankly attempting to figure out how a man in a locked cell was shot through the head. That sounds like the next David Blaine stunt. And the last David Blaine stunt. They deduce that the bullet must have entered the cell through the air conditioner vent, with the gunman hiding in the crawl space. Talking. Talking. Talking. Yawning (that was me). Doggett wonders if anyone heard a gunshot, seeing as, even with a silencer, the cop who had his nose to the door would have heard something. No, no shots heard. Can I take a sidebar and ask a few questions? First: why is this an X-File? I've had this problem with these stand-alone episodes all season. There's nothing paranormal (yet, duh), and yet Scully and Doggett have been called in. That makes no sense. You know what else doesn't make sense? Why they're not looking for Mulder. You know what ELSE doesn't make sense? Why the FBI was called in on this case at all. Don't the police investigate ANYTHING anymore? Whatever, I'm bored. Chris Carter and I both lie down for a long nap (not together, ye gods!) for the remainder of this episode.

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X-Files

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