X-Files

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Jessica: C | Grade It Now!
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Bor-Ring!

Elsewhere in Worcester, a late-model hatchback speeds up to the front of a dilapidated building, the headquarters of AAA-1 Surekill Exterminators. A mousy type, dressed in what I like to called Depressed Spinster, Circa 1986, hops out and scuttles into the building. She wanders through the world's most depressing warehouse, and into the world's most depressing little office. She scans the headlines of the local paper, which read "Local Realtor Murdered: Mysterious Death While in Custody of Police" -- as she absently listens to the messages on the answering machine. It is, naturally, Mr. Mysterious Murder himself, Carlton Chase. Mousy and her lip gloss glance nervously at her right hand desk drawer. She opens the drawer, and removes a lock box, which contains the budget surplus as per Al Gore. Actually, it...wait, let's just save us all some time and energy here; Mousy's cooking the books at AAA-1 Surekill. There's no other reason she'd keep her accounting materials in a little locked box. For that is what is inside the box: accounting materials. Riveting. Mousy speedily locks up the drawer, as her boss -- who played obnoxious prep boyfriend Tommy in Valley Girl -- enters the office. He's a jerk-ass to her about not having the coffee made. She acts all meek and secretly erases Carlton's message while her big dumb lug of a chauvinist boss, who probably sexually harasses her all the time, and has a subscription to Jugs magazine, and calls other women "broads," and slaps waitresses on the ass, so fully fleshed out and complex is his character, lumbers off to his own office to clean his teeth with a knife. Poor Tommy. At least he's still getting work. Tammy -- for that is Mousy's name -- scurries after him, asking if he's heard about Carlton. Tommy glowers. Tammy stutters. Tommy tells her to try to get "Randall" on the phone. She nods, scurries back into the office, and stares moodily at the photograph of Carlton in the paper. Conveniently, Randall -- the creepy Riley Finn lookalike -- enters the office at exactly this time. Tammy tells him that he has an audience with Tommy (who's actually named Dwight, but screw that). Both Tammy and Randall do a lot of morose staring off into the distance.

God, could this episode go any more slowly? Ray Pruit With Only One T, Because That's All His Mama Could Afford is pouting through one of his episodes on 90210 over on FX right now, and he is so calling my name. But this episode will NEVER END. Damn!

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X-Files

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