X-Files

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Jessica: C | Grade It Now!
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Bor-Ring!

Because Chris Carter HATES me (and I don't know why, because all I've ever done is call him a hack, and a one-trick pony, and consistently made fun of the only successful project he's ever managed to get off the ground), the next shot is rats. Dead rats. In a barrel. Being tossed into a Dumpster. Randall stares morosely at the dead rats. Fucking stop it with the rats! One of the rats starts scurrying around his dead rat brothers, and Randall turns, gets a two-by-four, and bashes the hell out of the rodent. Dude. Stop it with the rats. I am serious. That was a totally gratuitous rat shot. I cannot stand for any more rat-related atmosphere. Behind him, Tommy lumbers up like the bully that he is and snaps that Randall has been avoiding him, and thus begins to grill him about the events of the previous evening. Randall merely looks sheepish, and says nothing. I realize that this whole relationship is a totally half-assed take-off of Lenny and George in Of Mice and Men, except with x-ray vision. Oops, did I give away the big reveal? My bad. Let's all just turn to Ray Pruit, instead. Or, we could discuss Passions some more -- can I just ask when in the hell they're going to reveal that Ethan is actually the son of The Stupidest Police Chief Ever, Sam Bennett? And how sad is it that now that Sheridan is out of being buried alive, she and Luis can't have celebratory "I'm Not Buried Alive Anymore" sex? So sad! Anyway, back to Lenny and George. Tommy and Randall. Whatever. Randall confesses that he caught Carlton stealing from AAA-1 Surekill (Expect For That One Rat in the Dumpster) Exterminators. Tommy wants to know what happened to the money Carlton was skimming off the top. Randall cowers. Tommy sharply says that this is why Randall needs to confab with him, before he "does his thing." In other words, get the info out of the victim before you shoot him using your super-duper see-through-the-walls-but-not-through-people's-clothes,-apparently x-ray vision. Oh, was that too much information again? Sorry! Tommy concludes his little pep talk by reassuring Randall that they'll squeak by this time, but that they need to keep "lines of communication open." I see that Tommy's attended that seminar on Business Speak for Unscrupulous Exterminators. He patches things up with Randall by giving him a meatloaf sandwich. I wish that was the way it was in the real world; "We're sorry, your car will cost $1300 to repair. But here's a meatloaf sandwich," or "Oh, Jessica, the company you work for is in the process of slowly laying off all its employees, and today, we are going to lay off a whole new batch of them, and you are just barely going to squeak through, but bear in mind that we could let you -- and everyone! -- go at any time. Good luck with the job search, because no one is hiring copywriters right now. But here's a meatloaf sandwich." I do like meatloaf sandwiches.

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