X-Files
X-Files

Episode Report Card
Montykins: A- | 425 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Terminator 2

Back in the hospital, Sarah seems to think there's a chance she'll get put in minimum security. But Dr. Condescension is having none of that; he's not fooled by her cunning lies. He knows she's just pretending not to believe in Terminators. So to convince him of her sanity, she lunges over the desk at his throat. That'll show him. It's a good thing there's a steady supply of burly orderlies to sedate her.

If that's the sound of a two-stroke engine, we must be following John and his little pal again. John takes his motorcycle into one of those concrete embankments you get in Los Angeles that look like dried-up artificial riverbeds. I've just described it perfectly accurately, and you have no idea what it is, right? Try this: remember where they had the race at the end of Grease? There you go. As they pass under an overpass (um, or something), Arnold drives by and sees them; his computer-vision says "Target Acquired." You notice how we haven't seen any of Robert's computer-vision? That's because we're supposed to be thinking Arnold's the bad guy. See? See? I'm not crazy. Arnold can't follow them very well, and they get away. But he sees what direction they were going. Meanwhile, Officer Robert is showing the picture to various kids, who point him to the Galleria.

In the Galleria, John is playing a game that I identify instantly, from its trackball and single teeny red button, as Missile Command. It seems like, with three hundred freshly stolen dollars, he could play a better class of videogame. Officer Robert prowls through the mall. Arnold has a box of roses, which somehow look ominous in his hands. John's having trouble with the incoming missiles. There's Arnold looking around. There's Officer Robert talking to kids and being pointed toward the arcade. John's game is over with the big explody "THE END" thing. Arnold. Officer Robert. Now John's playing Afterburner, which I seem to remember as being a pretty cool game at the time. You kids don't know how good you have it. Officer Robert asks John's sidekick whether he recognizes the picture of John. Acting like a good second banana, the sidekick denies it and scurries off to warn John that the fuzz is after him. Actually, he says, "There's this cop scopin' for you. Check it out!" Sadly, this dialogue is perfectly realistic for the time and place. Other kids in the arcade aren't so accommodating, and John has to duck out the back door while Officer Robert shoves kids to the floor to get at him.

In a mall back alley, John runs past an extra holding a can of Pepsi before he bursts through some doors into a very similar alley containing a big Pepsi machine, and a seven-foot, leather-clad, shades-wearing Arnold Schwarzenegger with a shotgun in a box of roses. Arnold crushes the roses underfoot as he walks (just like the robot at the beginning crushed the skull!), and soon the extra and John are caught between Officer Robert and Arnold. Arnold says "get down," and John hits the floor so that Arnold can shoot Officer Robert with the shotgun. That's where you're supposed to smack your forehead and say "Oh! Arnold's playing the good guy this time! I was duped!" That's all I'm trying to say. Robert doesn't seem fazed by the big messy metal hole in his shoulder, so Arnold has to grab John and take several bullets in his broad robot back. The extra goes down somewhere around here, although he doesn't drop his refreshing can of Pepsi. John screams, and I guess I can understand that. Shoving John out of the way, Arnold pumps shotgun blasts into Robert, who looks dead. But, what's this? He's healing himself somehow! Yeah, I know, he's liquid metal, but let's pretend to be surprised, okay? The two Terminators scuffle a little, denting concrete and throwing each other through the walls, and John decides that maybe he ought to get the heck out of there. After Robert throws Arnold through a plate-glass window in the front of a clothing store (and pauses to look at a silver mannequin, hee hee, isn't this movie just the cleverest thing?), the chase is on.

X-Files

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